there is a light that never goes out.

Here's the thing.

It's finally happening. I can finally say that I am not thinking about you every day anymore. My spare time isn't spent with feeling sorry for myself and holding onto something that I never had in the first place. I feel a weight off of my shoulders and the air seems so clear and crisp; so easy to take in a huge breath. I know nothing has changed for you about the way you feel towards me and even if you said it has, I wouldn't believe you. Funny thing is, I just don't care anymore. I've had this awful feeling of not wanting to trust anyone or let anyone in for the past month and it's finally going away. I'm remembering that not all people are bad. I might just even have, dare I say it...hope. Yea, hope. Hope that the next person I give myself to won't so cruely shut me down and throw me away like i'm nothing. I'm better than that, and I refuse to let you have that kind of invisible hold on me. I know who I am and that is what has been keeping me going. I know that I gave everything I had to you; and you know it too. You can deny it all you want. You can try and say hurtful things about me to other people. You can even try to convince yourslef. It's not important to me anymore. You're everything I thought you never were, and nothing like I thought you could have been. But I guess, what I can finally say is: I forgive you. It's not because you asked to be forgiven. It's not because you expressed remorse. You've given me the cold shoulder throughout this whole entire healing process of mine. And it's that reaction, and that self righteousness of yours that reminds me of what I never wanted. So, I forgive you so that I can completely let you go. I know my heart will never be the same, but I know I will be ok. And so, thank you for teaching me a thing or two about what is important in life, and how to react to terrible happenings. I became stronger, and I am a better person for it.

loversandlife.

Let's run away together.
Only temporarily.
I want to get away.
I want to go on a trip somewhere far away.
I want to stay there for a long time.
I want to feed misunderstood pigeons,
because I actually am quite fond of them.
I want to walk the streets of Venice;
and travel around by boat.
I want to play piano in a cafe.
I want to sing in a lounge.
Bring me flowers.
Let's taste the cultures around the world.
I'm ready for a new beginning.
Ready to start something new.
Sail away with me.
Let's just sail for weeks and see where we end up.
Endless ocean, I give you permission to take me away.
Two lovers;
breathing the same breaths.
I don't want to wait anymore.

unpublished drafts.

Going through life expecting great things is like making cookies and adding a cup of baking powder (b. pow). You're just asking for a disaster to happen. I've come to the conclusion that expectations get you absolutely nowhere except for in a continuous state of limbo. And I'm not talking about the pole that you have to bend over backwards to get under...although that would work for a great analogy for life as well...
Maybe it's just me but I have such a hard time getting out of this place.

I need my knives sharpened; what’s a baker to do? Oh no, I'm not cut out for this stuff. See what I'm doing here? I'm making metaphors to describe my life. Because I can't do it alone. Because I don't know how. Because being independent has never quite worked for me.


Random fact? Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas. I ate a banana today. Oh, and also a kiwi. Perhaps they are attracted to people who eat kiwis also. There was a mosquito down by the ocean oddly enough. The little jerk sucked my blood. Can't even say anything awesome resulted from it (such as being turned into a vampire). Well technically that is a lie. I did get a nice little itchy bump on my arm. Reminded me of the time when I was bit by a mosquito the day before picture day in sixth grade. My right eye was so swollen from the bite.


It's so easy to be mad at people and write them out of your life. But eventually, I've learned, you begin to remember why you loved having them in your life. And it's a little cruel, isn't it? Can't stand the nights when I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much. I'm a little jealous of the people who can lie down and fall asleep in five seconds.


I wish I knew what I was doing with my life and I wish I had a solid guarantee on who would be along for the ride. I think that the people in my life sometimes have too much of an impact on me. I wish I knew how to be okay on my own. I miss the one person who has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. Their unavailability is quite unfortunate.
People's moods affect me so much, and it irritates me. Some things just aren't meant to be. I truly feel like coming here was meant to be. And everything that has happened to me since, has just fallen into place. And what else can I say? There's nothing else I can say.

love and cake.

Oh, my heart. It breaks as surely and as inconsistently as the waves break on the shore. We are all under the same moon but sometimes I think I see my moon a little differently than everyone else. Goodbye to my childish tendencies and farewell to my overthinking every single little thing. Why can't I just focus on the things that are actually important instead of choking on the impracticalities. And I hate how people can have such a hold on me. I think I've got everything figured out and then I hiccup and everything is changed. Oh life, don't you know I was never one for roller coasters? Don't you remember I'm still scared of the dark? I spend my days baking cookies and decorating cakes for goodness sake. I am not one for unexpected turns but at the same time I'm spontaneous with things that I should think through. What I really long for is something that should be the least important thing on my mind and yet here I am. It's how it has always been so I shouldn't really be surprised. It's time for a change. Maybe I say that too often but I suppose trying to be what I want is better than ignoring it. Still trying to decide what's more "practical"; being who I want to be or being who I should be.
Random fact? the most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and the fingertips.
So lets all just shutup, hold hands, and go through this bumpy ride together.

everything you do, is super-duper cute.

chaos theory

It's a science.
It tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems:
weather, ocean currents, blood flow; that sort of thing.
But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart; speeding up, slowing down, a pretty face, flight of stairs.
It's always changing depending on what's happening to us out there.
It's an erratic son of a bitch.
But underneath all of that bumper to bump mess there is in fact a pattern; a truth- and its love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it and we choose to recieve it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal. It's the most important thing in the world.

i'll find my rainbow soon.

How can it be that you still have a hold on me.
Wash away. You weren't here to stay.
I close my eyes and all I can see,
is a stranger, disguised as you; staring at me.
Worse than the cruelest insult i've taken.
The way you see me, the way you react to me; I was mistaken.
Once told I was a worthless piece of shit
and it couldn't get much worse.
But you screaming and calling me names,
well that took the place of first.
How can one person hurt you so much?
How can I want to hate you, and still be in your clutch?
I don't want to hear your opinions of me.
I don't even want an apology.
It's too late for everything, anything; gone.
It's too late for good memories, for now those are not strong.
I hate thinking of you, and seeing your name.
I hate when people ask why you're gone and reply with, "that's a shame."
A shame? Yes, it's true. That it is.
But matters of the heart often dissolve and fizz.
Nothing stays perfect, perhaps that's true.
I always thought it was different with you.
I'm okay, and i'll tell you why.
For five nights in a row, I do not fall asleep as I cry.
I'm certain it's because i'm in such a daze.
The way you spoke to me created such a haze.
You'll never understand, and I no longer fret.
For the fear of you ceasing to love me is no longer a threat.

we go together like peas and carrots.

I try so hard to be who you want me to be. Try so hard say what I think you would like to hear. Try to make you feel sorry for me. Try to say something, anything, that will spark something in you. Make you realize what you're doing. Make you see what I see. I'm desperate for it. I want to take your hand and lead you to my world. Back into our world. Make you try again. Make me your world again.
Life's not a fucking fairytale, you say.
Well I never believed in them until I met you, and now you're telling me I can't have it anymore.
Bitter is what i've become. Hopeless is what I've accepted. Breathing is hard. Laughing is temporary. Dreaming is terrifying. Thinking is torture. Memories are a silent killer.
I am infuriated. Nothing you said was true. It's all gone. Stop sending me through this neverending cycle of heartache. Stop promising me the world. Or start again. Stop making me love you. Stop doing one nice thing. Stop doing anything for me because if it's only in that one moment of perfection then the rest of my days are sorrow. Stop picking everything over me. Stop trying to find ways to upset me.
CARE. Can I make you care?
Everything pushes you away.
Used and broken and shattered and so angry. Nothing good will come of this. I can feel all of the resentment that i've always feared, pouring out of me. I'm saying things I've never said. I'm doing things I shouldn't do. In my desperate and pathetic efforts to keep your attention in any way, I keep pushing you into anything else BUT me. Nothing has ever hurt this much. I don't want this. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to see your name. Mention of you sends me into another world. One where everything is gray.
Disney movies lie to you. They end before you can see the real end. I keep thinking of Hercules. The part where Hercules is flying on Pegasus to save Meg before it's too late after the pillar had fallen on her. But he gets there too late.
I don't know what's real anymore.
I don't know what I should or should not accept.
I want to completely shut down and shut you out of my life.
Unfortunately you have something over me that I wish wasn't there.
Because you abandoned me.
I am so bitter.
You'll realize one day.
or not.
Regardless, I wont be there.

so far; it's been such a mess but I love it.

I become addicted to videogames and/or tv shows verrryyy easily.
I am so akward around people I just meet it's beyond redonkulous.
music can literally change my mood; drastically.
people's moods can literally change my mood...(also drastically).
hmm..I am in love with Dwight Shrute.
I used to be a lot tougher about life's punches before I fell in love.
I hate when people ask how culinary school is going, haha.
fact: it's depressing going to the beach alone and noticing that NO ONE else goes to the beach alone...everyone else at least brings their dog.
THEY'RE, THEIR, THERE: There IS a difference. Learn it please.
Just because you are out of high school, does not make your new experiences "college experiences".




All of the pictures of myself that are saved on my computer are saved in a folder titled, "ugly". Don't ask why haha.
I pick up on phrases that other people say if I see them too much.
The only thing that distracts me these days is my piano. <3
I overthink EVERYTHING. It gets me into trouble.
I do a lot of things that I probably shouldn't do.
I don't like to plan things out. If something sounds good, I do it. That also probably gets me into a lot of trouble.




I relate my life to movies a lot...it's a little weird, I'm not going to lie.
I don't remember a lot of things from my high school days, but when I do it is usually triggered by a song.
Every day my phone alerts me with a new "word of the day" and it excites me. I feel a little pathetic about that...
I cried when Pam and Jim(from the Office)found out that Pam was pregnant because Jim was really happy and I fear that I will never have that in my life.
I want to get married, and one of the most exciting things about it all would be decorating our new house together.

Random dreams/desires/goals that I want to accomplish at some point in my life::
-become somewhat of a great ice skater.
-write a book
-write a book that becomes a movie (prefferably a cheesy, tearjerking, cliche but can't predict the ending, heartwarming drama and/or chick flick that guys will also enjoy)
-be completely independent.
-go to a different country and volunteer at a homeless shelter and/or somewhere children need help.
- make a wedding cake for someone famous.
- sing for people somewhere other than karaoke or on youtube.
- be in a movie.
-get married. <3
- believe in things I used to believe in.

everything's just wonderful.

First Christmas without two of the most meaningful men i've ever had in my life. I don't really know how to function clearly. Half of the time I don't know what i'm saying, and the other half i'm listening and realize that nothing that was said has been processed. And people don't understand or care.
It's one of the hardest times of my life. What would be great was if people stopped trying to change me. I'm trying to figure out who I am myself. I don't need people who love me and should accept me the way I am; telling me I'm "too quiet, too serious, too antisocial...if you keep this up, you'll eventually have no one left in life. You're nice, but too quiet." Leave me alone. I am who I am and even if you aren't comfortable with it, leave it be. No one takes the time to think that maybe all of these things hurt my feelings and make me feel even more antisocial or defective in some way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not a good enough person.
I wish that people would let me grieve, let me be sad, let me be ME.
I wish there were still people in my life who truly accept me. I feel so alone.
Merry Christmas.

just another manic monday.

Can't sleep. Mind jumbling. Heart racing. Head pounding. Heart broken. Body numb. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could distract myself. Wish I had more to say. Wish I knew how to say all the things i'm thinking. Want to know what the right thing to do is. Want to put you out of my mind.
Can't. Can't do any of it.

fun for everyonnneeee.

According to Urban dictionary:

Alex: noun.
Someone that is of extreme greatness. Often considered as a god in some religions. Also means cool.One of the best friends you could ever meet. Sometimes quiet and patient but when she's around a group shes wild and fun. She is always there to listen to you and give you a hug if you need one. She is willing to try anything. She can talk for hours or just have no idea what's going on. She is an overall great person to be around.



Jack: A very intellectual, insightful man with the most honest heart. His intentions and words are always well intended and he has the sexiest eyes in the whole world.
If you ever argue with a 'Jack' he will for sure make a Jack Ass out of YOU.
He always thinks ahead and see's the bigger picture. He hates fighting/ argueing. * yawn* its boring to him.
But he will always win because he plays by his own rules. His morality is strong and hes as dependable as a solid rock. A guy you can count on. Loves meeting new people where ever he goes. Loves freedom. Hates being conformed. Wont change for anyone and wont expect you to change either.
Highly independant. Likes to use his head. And its a very powerful one..very brilliant. Has women falling every where while hes still standing.
Humbel.Funny. Wont lie.
Jack is the sexiest guy ever


Julia: name for girls. Most julia's are artistic, smart, romantic, beautiful and also very charming. Julia's can get whatever they want if they try. They can be very sexy so watch out! They are romantics and love old movies, art and books. they love old stuff! They usually aren't very athletic but if a julia is athletic she's kick butt! they have great fashion sense and usually look smokin'. A julia will most likely become a mother because they love kids. They are very successful in life and there is just something about them that draws people in. Also they are ah-mazing dancers!

Jennifer: A funny girl. Really smart, and usually doen't act her age.(wether it be acting older or younger)Jennifer's have amazing eys, and love to laugh and smile. They generaly enjoy the finer things in life. They have trouble showing their feelings, and take sometime to warm up to new poeple. They don't trust easily, but that shouldn't stop you from trusting them, they are very trustworthy. They need someone who will listen to them and give their honest opinion. Jennifers are very blunt, and speak their minds often. They are caring and usually very sexy. They know how to flirt in a very suddle way that drives men crazy. They know how to get what they want. Jennifers are very good friends.
Man: Dude, I ment the most amazing girl today. She's funny, and smart, and has amazing eyes.

Man2: Yeah man, cool. What's her name?

Man: Jennifer
( I kept the example because I thought it was hilarious :) )

-or-

Seester: a fun way to say sister, it is something for close sisters who love each other to tell each other and know that it is only theres.


Raychel: Smoking hot babe that is both genuine and gentle-spirited; A wonderful girl you can take home to mom but also can't wait to get alone. Extremely talented and confident but not conceited or contrived. Someone you want by your side in both the shadows and the sunlight.

-or-

Sister Friend: A person who is always there for you. Similar to a best friend but more, someone you hope will be in your life forever, she will be in your wedding and you two know eachother like sisters would.
Not developed with time, a person you meet and just know they are your sister friend.



Tina: Slang for Crystal Meth. the most beautiful girl you will ever lay eyes on. she has long pretty hair and big brown eyes. she will reel you in at hello, she is amazing in every way.



Beth: gem like, shim-shimmering like a precious stone, awe-inspiring and captivating.
That girl who you just cant find anything to bitch about. Always really nice, but never too nice. Generally quite smart and can be blushingly nerdy, but the type of nerd that everyone loves. Has an awesomely wicked sense of humour that's so witty and can burn people to the ground. Someone everyone wants to be friends with.


Bryan: A general term, originating in the midwest, for a reformed gangsta who often has relapses to his former being.


Jason: Leader of the Argonauts; Legendary Hero associated with Greek Mythology; Same level as Hercules, Ulysses, and Achilles; Often RF Engineer by day and gigaloo by night. Admired and idolized by many.


Jessica: she is an amAzing and beautiful girl with the best smile. she has the effect of brightening up someone's day (even just by smiling). she is absolutely adorable. she sometimes says things without thinking, but she's so cute when she does. she's sooo funny. she smells really nice too. in one word, jessica is wonderful.


Nicole: pretty much the most awesome person you will ver hope to meet. many people try to be as balla as nicole's but in many cases to not suceed.nicoles are pretty awesome and pretty much the greatest thing sience...EVER! many people hope to be nicole but never are because shes a ballaholic!



Sophie: A Sophie Is A Girls Name. The Meaning Of The Name Is Wisdom. And Its Origin Is From The French Lands. People Who Are Called Sophie Tend To Try And Be Better Than The Last Time, Try Their Hardest. You Usually See Them With Unique Style (Usually Colours And Skinny Jeans) And Head Banging Or Doing Something Rather Strange And Unique To The Human Eye, As She Doesn't Like To Blend In With The Crowd. They Love Jelly Beans, Ice Cream But Loves Melon And Pasta! Not Forgetting MUSIC! When She Is Drunk (On 1 Can) She Is Either Dry-Humping Of Being Sick... Dang It! Anyway She Says She Won't Do That In The Future. Any Lad Or Girl Are Lucky For Having This Gem.


Crystal: a freaky, wild, spontaneous, and party girl with a love for life...and sex

missyou,missyou.

I miss you so much. Everyone lied, time heals nothing. It's amazing how much of an effect people can have on our everyday lives. One person can make another's significantly better just by smiling at them, and I miss your smile. I would give anything to hear you singing. I need your help because nothing seems to be okay these days. I think about your dog sometimes. I wonder what happened to him. The day I get my car, I will drive to see you I promise. You never got the chance to come and visit me, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I have no one to turn to, Grandpoo. I wish that things would have turned out differently. I wish that everything would have turned out differently. I'm living day by day, hour by hour. Not looking forward to anything; just trying to make it through each day. I look forward to sleeping because I can see you. It happens often but not often enough. You are always happy in my dreams. Happy and painless. I am SO thankful that I got the chance to see you the last time I did. And I will always remember when we were eating lunch together and you stopped eating, turned to me and said, "I love you so much Alejandra." Sometimes that alone gets me through my days. That, and your picture in my pocket that's closest to my heart. Tell me sometinghappy beforeI go to sleep.
I love you.

still waiting.

Waiting for you. It seems to be how I spend most of my days now. The hours I have to wait for a response from you sometimes seem longer than my eight hour work days. Minutes of my life just ticking away as I pathetically waste my time on meaningless tasks to make the time go by faster. Disappointment after disappointment; when will I learn? When wll my heart finally have enough? When will I finally break down and refuse to take it anymore? It's ridiculous, but my life was the same when you weren't in it anymore. Yes, when you were gone, I expected nothing from you. In return, I didn't feel that emptiness that has now come back to haunt me. It is completely and disgustingly heartbreaking to not have your love returned. Even worse, to remeber when it was returned. So many little ways that prove you're no longer interested in this. It breaks my heart every single day. And why I stay? I would tell you, I would, it's just that I don't know the answer. I want to be cared for and taken care of. Not taken for granted. I don't want to be lied to. I don't want to waste my life away with a feeling of complete disgst for myself and envy everyone else who has a working relationship. And can I let you in on a little secret? It's not a relationship if you don't talk to the other person. It's hard enough as it is to be far away from each other. You make it that much harder by making me feel like it's fine when i'm there but when I'm not I'm just completely out of your life. These are the things that I have come to expect. I expect disappointment, and uncomfortably accept it now. In fact,I refuse any kind of caring gesture because I just don't believe in it. I just know that it never stays. And for that reason, I almost don't even want it. Why am I here? What am I doing? I die a little every day and you are living on. I lost my phone for a day and was going crazy because I had no way to talk to you. There were no missed calls from you when I found it. Oh i'm sure there was a legitamite excuse. Go ahead, humor me. You always have an excuse and you always will. You don't try anymore. If trying is making plans with friends while we had plans, and then letting me kno how bad you felt about breaking those other plans, then your idea of trying is pathetic. If your idea of making time for me is seeing each other for a few hours while i'm home one day out of the month then your idea of making time for me is pathetic. Year one: Blindfold me, take me to the spot where we first kissed. Play our song and propose to me. Year two: Make dinner for me and bring it over to my house along with rose petals and candles. Year three: Nothing. Anniversaries: Forgotten. Do you wake up in morning and think of me? No. Are you constantly looking at the clock to talk to me on my breaks at work or when I get off? No. Do you have trouble sleeping if we haven't talked on the phone and said our goodnights? No. No, no, no to them all. Why? Because you don't feel the way you once did and it's SO OBVIOUS. I really wish you would stop tormenting me. I wish I could stop tormenting myself. I wish I could blow it off, like you do. When we don't talk, you go about your day like everything is fine and normal. God it hurts so much to know that the one person I love the most doesn't need nor want me anymore. I want this pain to go away. But here I am. Pathetically and miserably waiting for you. Just waiting... prove me wrong.

you've made it difficult.

So as I sit here at midnight, watching ballet on tv, I think to myself of everything that will be difficult without you. My mind is going crazy and it's unbelievably loud in my head. No more weekends together, no more making pizzas. No more texting you to tell you something random that happened. No more sharing jokes together, and no more car rides together. No more making fun of ridiculous things. No more inside jokes and no more listening to each other breathe on the phone. The hard things might be harder without your hugs and comforting words. The happy things may not be as great without my best friend to share them with. When I think of holidays, I can't think of a reason to want to celebrate. When I think of my future, there is no longer another person wanting those same things with me. I think of things like how I wont see your dog anymore, and I laugh to myself because I wonder why that would ever matter. No more fighting...and no more making up. One less stuffed animal on my bed. I wont be able to look at my pictures on my computer, and there is really no reason for the bulletin board in my room anymore. I had to unplug the digital frame. I don't want to listen to any old music that may be on my play lists. I think of you being completely out of my life and my heart completely sinks and I feel a feeling that is indescribable. I will be okay. I want you to know that only one other thing has ever put me through this much pain. But yes, I will be okay. What else can I do but survive.

cliche.

I know that it all sounds like a huge cliche. I just feel like I need you to breathe. You are my everything and I got tossed aside. And for what? You say you need me but you just don't. You thought that you needed me. I guess I gave you the chance to prove yourself wrong. It only confirmed what I feared the most.I can't just forget about you and I can't live the way I was living. My ceiling has millions of pieces of stucko on it and I think that I have counted them all. I can't even use my debit card because I know I will have to use the code. Everything we promised each other just got thrown away. All the times when we confided in each other, the times we spent making plans for our future- none of that matters anymore. You let me go...I told you how unimportant you made me feel and said I couldn't take it anymore, and you just let me go. Instead of fighting for me...you made me feel that much more unimportant and let me walk away. I want to call you. Want to see you, talk to you, sit with you...I reached for the phone so many times today. But then I realized that you had a life without me..a life that may be better without me. A life that is filled with future plans. A plan that I was no longer a part of. A life that does not revolve around paying attention to me. So I put the phone down because even though it is so incredibly hard to be without you, it is that much harder to be an unimportant part of your life. Because I remember the days when you completely adored me. I remember the days when you would drop everything to spend five minutes with me. Any chance you got, you took it. If I needed anything, I didn't have to worry about you getting irritated or upset because you had to cancel plans, you were there for me no matter what. You were the most important person in my life. I have made mistakes that have driven you away and I wish more than anything that I could take that back. I was so caught up in fitting in and having fun, and was part of the reason why we are where we are today. Then again, so were you. I will never forget you. I care about you more than any person in the whole entire world, and my life is not the same after one day without you. I'm sure it will only get harder from here on out. It kills me to let go, but if you don't even notice or care that i'm gone, what's the point? You could have come after me. I came by your house to say goodbye today. You weren't there. I guess it's a sign that you will be okay this time. I hope that you can be happy.

these are a few of my favorite things.

When you're walking on the beach, and your weight pushes the moisture out of the sand around your foot.
The way the lines on telephone poles dip in the middle.
People spreading their good moods.
Warm blankets.
Fires in winter.
Movies on a rainy day.
Playing a really good videogame :)
Rolling down the windows and having the air conditioner on at the same time.
Random texts from good friends.
Cherry stands.
Cherry stands that mispell the word "cherry".
Family dinners at the table.
The smell of christmas.
Re-rereading letters from grandpoo.
Looking at really old pictures.
Lots of pillows on the bed.
Picking daisies.
Finding people from elementary school on facebook.
Alphabetizing recipe cards.
The smell of chocolate chip cookies in the oven.
Driving alone so I can sing loudly and terribly.
and more... <3

It's a scientific fact my friends.

Relationships are sooooo wonderful that:
Women get a certain drug released in their brains that give them a feeling of "love" and security and comfort. When women are in love, they feel a connection to the man.

MEN: Also get a nice little drug dose sent off in their brains that releases feelings of pleasure.

Well, my friends, pleasure goes away. Therefore those "feelings" go away.
What's my point?
I hate men and everything they stand for?
No, too harsh.
How about...I hate MOST men and everything they stand for.
Much better :)

Soooooo, eh-em,

Dear (MOST) Men,
Die in a fire.
With all of my love,
Alexandra Mikaella Martinez



Oh by the way, watch a comforting video courtesy of youtube.
Muah.

Time to go.

I don't like change, I've decided. I don't like it until it becomes normal again. I want someone to talk to about anything and everything but I'm afraid I've lost all of those people thanks to my good friend, change. I guess what I miss most is you.
I'm tired of having dreams about you that cause me to wake up with panic attacks. I miss having you around but there's absolutely nothing I do about it. So then I find myself actually hoping that I do dream about you just to get a little comfort on some aspect.
I don't want to move away. I never really enjoyed holidays, but I'm very sad that I wont be spending them with my family this year. I think I've maybe finally figured out what is most important in life, and it is NOT what I thought it was.
Anyway. I know change has to happen, but I'm tired of the changes being depressing ones. Maybe moving away will bring something new and, hopefully, great. I mean it's only for five months, right?
I just don't want to lose more than I already have.