still waiting.

Waiting for you. It seems to be how I spend most of my days now. The hours I have to wait for a response from you sometimes seem longer than my eight hour work days. Minutes of my life just ticking away as I pathetically waste my time on meaningless tasks to make the time go by faster. Disappointment after disappointment; when will I learn? When wll my heart finally have enough? When will I finally break down and refuse to take it anymore? It's ridiculous, but my life was the same when you weren't in it anymore. Yes, when you were gone, I expected nothing from you. In return, I didn't feel that emptiness that has now come back to haunt me. It is completely and disgustingly heartbreaking to not have your love returned. Even worse, to remeber when it was returned. So many little ways that prove you're no longer interested in this. It breaks my heart every single day. And why I stay? I would tell you, I would, it's just that I don't know the answer. I want to be cared for and taken care of. Not taken for granted. I don't want to be lied to. I don't want to waste my life away with a feeling of complete disgst for myself and envy everyone else who has a working relationship. And can I let you in on a little secret? It's not a relationship if you don't talk to the other person. It's hard enough as it is to be far away from each other. You make it that much harder by making me feel like it's fine when i'm there but when I'm not I'm just completely out of your life. These are the things that I have come to expect. I expect disappointment, and uncomfortably accept it now. In fact,I refuse any kind of caring gesture because I just don't believe in it. I just know that it never stays. And for that reason, I almost don't even want it. Why am I here? What am I doing? I die a little every day and you are living on. I lost my phone for a day and was going crazy because I had no way to talk to you. There were no missed calls from you when I found it. Oh i'm sure there was a legitamite excuse. Go ahead, humor me. You always have an excuse and you always will. You don't try anymore. If trying is making plans with friends while we had plans, and then letting me kno how bad you felt about breaking those other plans, then your idea of trying is pathetic. If your idea of making time for me is seeing each other for a few hours while i'm home one day out of the month then your idea of making time for me is pathetic. Year one: Blindfold me, take me to the spot where we first kissed. Play our song and propose to me. Year two: Make dinner for me and bring it over to my house along with rose petals and candles. Year three: Nothing. Anniversaries: Forgotten. Do you wake up in morning and think of me? No. Are you constantly looking at the clock to talk to me on my breaks at work or when I get off? No. Do you have trouble sleeping if we haven't talked on the phone and said our goodnights? No. No, no, no to them all. Why? Because you don't feel the way you once did and it's SO OBVIOUS. I really wish you would stop tormenting me. I wish I could stop tormenting myself. I wish I could blow it off, like you do. When we don't talk, you go about your day like everything is fine and normal. God it hurts so much to know that the one person I love the most doesn't need nor want me anymore. I want this pain to go away. But here I am. Pathetically and miserably waiting for you. Just waiting... prove me wrong.