there is a light that never goes out.

Here's the thing.

It's finally happening. I can finally say that I am not thinking about you every day anymore. My spare time isn't spent with feeling sorry for myself and holding onto something that I never had in the first place. I feel a weight off of my shoulders and the air seems so clear and crisp; so easy to take in a huge breath. I know nothing has changed for you about the way you feel towards me and even if you said it has, I wouldn't believe you. Funny thing is, I just don't care anymore. I've had this awful feeling of not wanting to trust anyone or let anyone in for the past month and it's finally going away. I'm remembering that not all people are bad. I might just even have, dare I say it...hope. Yea, hope. Hope that the next person I give myself to won't so cruely shut me down and throw me away like i'm nothing. I'm better than that, and I refuse to let you have that kind of invisible hold on me. I know who I am and that is what has been keeping me going. I know that I gave everything I had to you; and you know it too. You can deny it all you want. You can try and say hurtful things about me to other people. You can even try to convince yourslef. It's not important to me anymore. You're everything I thought you never were, and nothing like I thought you could have been. But I guess, what I can finally say is: I forgive you. It's not because you asked to be forgiven. It's not because you expressed remorse. You've given me the cold shoulder throughout this whole entire healing process of mine. And it's that reaction, and that self righteousness of yours that reminds me of what I never wanted. So, I forgive you so that I can completely let you go. I know my heart will never be the same, but I know I will be ok. And so, thank you for teaching me a thing or two about what is important in life, and how to react to terrible happenings. I became stronger, and I am a better person for it.

loversandlife.

Let's run away together.
Only temporarily.
I want to get away.
I want to go on a trip somewhere far away.
I want to stay there for a long time.
I want to feed misunderstood pigeons,
because I actually am quite fond of them.
I want to walk the streets of Venice;
and travel around by boat.
I want to play piano in a cafe.
I want to sing in a lounge.
Bring me flowers.
Let's taste the cultures around the world.
I'm ready for a new beginning.
Ready to start something new.
Sail away with me.
Let's just sail for weeks and see where we end up.
Endless ocean, I give you permission to take me away.
Two lovers;
breathing the same breaths.
I don't want to wait anymore.

unpublished drafts.

Going through life expecting great things is like making cookies and adding a cup of baking powder (b. pow). You're just asking for a disaster to happen. I've come to the conclusion that expectations get you absolutely nowhere except for in a continuous state of limbo. And I'm not talking about the pole that you have to bend over backwards to get under...although that would work for a great analogy for life as well...
Maybe it's just me but I have such a hard time getting out of this place.

I need my knives sharpened; what’s a baker to do? Oh no, I'm not cut out for this stuff. See what I'm doing here? I'm making metaphors to describe my life. Because I can't do it alone. Because I don't know how. Because being independent has never quite worked for me.


Random fact? Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas. I ate a banana today. Oh, and also a kiwi. Perhaps they are attracted to people who eat kiwis also. There was a mosquito down by the ocean oddly enough. The little jerk sucked my blood. Can't even say anything awesome resulted from it (such as being turned into a vampire). Well technically that is a lie. I did get a nice little itchy bump on my arm. Reminded me of the time when I was bit by a mosquito the day before picture day in sixth grade. My right eye was so swollen from the bite.


It's so easy to be mad at people and write them out of your life. But eventually, I've learned, you begin to remember why you loved having them in your life. And it's a little cruel, isn't it? Can't stand the nights when I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much. I'm a little jealous of the people who can lie down and fall asleep in five seconds.


I wish I knew what I was doing with my life and I wish I had a solid guarantee on who would be along for the ride. I think that the people in my life sometimes have too much of an impact on me. I wish I knew how to be okay on my own. I miss the one person who has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. Their unavailability is quite unfortunate.
People's moods affect me so much, and it irritates me. Some things just aren't meant to be. I truly feel like coming here was meant to be. And everything that has happened to me since, has just fallen into place. And what else can I say? There's nothing else I can say.

love and cake.

Oh, my heart. It breaks as surely and as inconsistently as the waves break on the shore. We are all under the same moon but sometimes I think I see my moon a little differently than everyone else. Goodbye to my childish tendencies and farewell to my overthinking every single little thing. Why can't I just focus on the things that are actually important instead of choking on the impracticalities. And I hate how people can have such a hold on me. I think I've got everything figured out and then I hiccup and everything is changed. Oh life, don't you know I was never one for roller coasters? Don't you remember I'm still scared of the dark? I spend my days baking cookies and decorating cakes for goodness sake. I am not one for unexpected turns but at the same time I'm spontaneous with things that I should think through. What I really long for is something that should be the least important thing on my mind and yet here I am. It's how it has always been so I shouldn't really be surprised. It's time for a change. Maybe I say that too often but I suppose trying to be what I want is better than ignoring it. Still trying to decide what's more "practical"; being who I want to be or being who I should be.
Random fact? the most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and the fingertips.
So lets all just shutup, hold hands, and go through this bumpy ride together.

everything you do, is super-duper cute.

chaos theory

It's a science.
It tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems:
weather, ocean currents, blood flow; that sort of thing.
But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart; speeding up, slowing down, a pretty face, flight of stairs.
It's always changing depending on what's happening to us out there.
It's an erratic son of a bitch.
But underneath all of that bumper to bump mess there is in fact a pattern; a truth- and its love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it and we choose to recieve it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal. It's the most important thing in the world.

i'll find my rainbow soon.

How can it be that you still have a hold on me.
Wash away. You weren't here to stay.
I close my eyes and all I can see,
is a stranger, disguised as you; staring at me.
Worse than the cruelest insult i've taken.
The way you see me, the way you react to me; I was mistaken.
Once told I was a worthless piece of shit
and it couldn't get much worse.
But you screaming and calling me names,
well that took the place of first.
How can one person hurt you so much?
How can I want to hate you, and still be in your clutch?
I don't want to hear your opinions of me.
I don't even want an apology.
It's too late for everything, anything; gone.
It's too late for good memories, for now those are not strong.
I hate thinking of you, and seeing your name.
I hate when people ask why you're gone and reply with, "that's a shame."
A shame? Yes, it's true. That it is.
But matters of the heart often dissolve and fizz.
Nothing stays perfect, perhaps that's true.
I always thought it was different with you.
I'm okay, and i'll tell you why.
For five nights in a row, I do not fall asleep as I cry.
I'm certain it's because i'm in such a daze.
The way you spoke to me created such a haze.
You'll never understand, and I no longer fret.
For the fear of you ceasing to love me is no longer a threat.

we go together like peas and carrots.

I try so hard to be who you want me to be. Try so hard say what I think you would like to hear. Try to make you feel sorry for me. Try to say something, anything, that will spark something in you. Make you realize what you're doing. Make you see what I see. I'm desperate for it. I want to take your hand and lead you to my world. Back into our world. Make you try again. Make me your world again.
Life's not a fucking fairytale, you say.
Well I never believed in them until I met you, and now you're telling me I can't have it anymore.
Bitter is what i've become. Hopeless is what I've accepted. Breathing is hard. Laughing is temporary. Dreaming is terrifying. Thinking is torture. Memories are a silent killer.
I am infuriated. Nothing you said was true. It's all gone. Stop sending me through this neverending cycle of heartache. Stop promising me the world. Or start again. Stop making me love you. Stop doing one nice thing. Stop doing anything for me because if it's only in that one moment of perfection then the rest of my days are sorrow. Stop picking everything over me. Stop trying to find ways to upset me.
CARE. Can I make you care?
Everything pushes you away.
Used and broken and shattered and so angry. Nothing good will come of this. I can feel all of the resentment that i've always feared, pouring out of me. I'm saying things I've never said. I'm doing things I shouldn't do. In my desperate and pathetic efforts to keep your attention in any way, I keep pushing you into anything else BUT me. Nothing has ever hurt this much. I don't want this. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to see your name. Mention of you sends me into another world. One where everything is gray.
Disney movies lie to you. They end before you can see the real end. I keep thinking of Hercules. The part where Hercules is flying on Pegasus to save Meg before it's too late after the pillar had fallen on her. But he gets there too late.
I don't know what's real anymore.
I don't know what I should or should not accept.
I want to completely shut down and shut you out of my life.
Unfortunately you have something over me that I wish wasn't there.
Because you abandoned me.
I am so bitter.
You'll realize one day.
or not.
Regardless, I wont be there.