To you:

My hands have an unwanted dampness to them. My stomach, an uneasyness. My heart is going a million miles per hour and my mind racing. This is what you do to me. The way you answer the phone can either make or destroy my day, week, life. Your smile eases any uncertainty in my mind.You have the power to completely break me. At times, you unknowingly do just that. But all you have to do to fix it is hold my hand. Or look in my eyes and tell me you love me. Sometimes I hate how pathetic I have become. I hate how much you affect me sometimes.
I still think about it you know. I mean, never often. The other day I heard something that absolutely disgusted me. I got this picture in my mind and now I can't seem to get it out. It's ridiculous, of course. But it won't go away.
Ive become to think so little of myself, I regret to say. But you know all about that now, don't you? The way I feel about you is so different from anything vie ever felt for anyone. I never wanted to make you feel the way I once felt. Nothing can explain this gross feeling that completely consumes me when I think of the difficult parts of our relationship. The sickness I get from worry. Please don't ever feel that way. Know that you are the only thing that matters to me. Please know that never again will I make you feel that way, or even do anything to make you feel that way. Love me forever because I always will. I promise to try my hardest...

I wish.

Sometimes I pretend that I am happy for so long that I start to believe it myself. I have yet to decide if this is good or bad. Maybe it's both. Then again maybe it doesn't really even matter. People ask how others are all the time, and only process the response 3% of the time. Not to mention, when is the last time you asked an acquaintance how they were and they said anything but the typical, "fine". People wouldn't notice if someone was sad. Even if they did, they would probably brush it off as being "put off", and disregard the person. So what's the point of even pretending to be happy?
I wish I could tell you everything I feel. I wish you somehow just knew. All I can do is hope that these feelings go away and my life will once again return to what I consider as normal. My normal life...
I get so frustrated when people complain for idiotic reasons. Still, I find myself doing it all the time. My grandpa passed away the day of my last practical. I found out one hour before it started. I kept his picture in my pocket closest to my heart. I'm convinced he is very proud of me. Someone started crying today because the next practical is "unfair". It's reasons like these why I seem to send a bitter vibe towards most people.
I don't care for small talk most of the time, but won't commit myself to letting out my true feelings with anyone. Go figure. Instead I pathetically write to myself in a blog, and any unknown readers that consist of one, or perhaps two, if someone has nothing else to do.
Hot chocolate, and then sleep.
Happy birthday, Grandpa.

milk and cookies.

I build forts out of blankets and chairs.
I imagine realities; that aren't really there.
I am not crazy, but happy instead.
my life is so perfect, but all in my head.
my eyelids are shut; my mind on its own
I wake in the morning with an agonized groan.
my feet are blistered and my bad knee still hurts.
I wake to remember everything bad still lurks.
What I hate in the world are the false accusations.
The unkowing, the aching, the promised destinations.
I suppose what I need, is to first decide
what's more important: my dreams or my pride?
I would like to just live in my blankets and forts,
to live in a bubble with no news or reports.
innocently and freely; never with doubt
the absolute cringing pain of heartahe, I can do without.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
but with all this pain, it's not like I'll live longer...

chemo limo.

one thing becomes more and more apparent as I write these blogs:
They don't do a damn thing.

I don't allow myself to feel sad, and everytime I think of you I force myself to think of the last thing that made me laugh just so that a tear won't form.
It's fucking ridiculous how cruel the world is.
I'm mad for whatever reason.
I don't have the courage to call the one person who probably needs it the most...

I miss you and that's all I can ever do or say.
How can I explain it when I don't understand it myself...
I wish I could talk to someone who I felt understood; but I wouldn't even know what to say.

Why would probably be a good question.
I have this splitting headache that goes all the way through my body and seems to stop and ache right in my heart..perhaps the weakest point.
and I've got nothing that will make it go away.

Someone needs to bring you back.
or bring me to you.

iwantafairytale.

I want it all. Perhaps it's my age and the fact that I am still "naive". I suppose I know that I haven't truly faced any real problems in my life yet. I still hold that little bit of hope that i'm one of life's exceptions.

For me, it will be different. I won't have an average job, and perhaps I'll make a little more money than the average...

Maybe I will get married and have the greatest relationship with my best friend. We will fight but it will end over a shared glance from across the room and a familiar smile. We will still spend some of our free time suprising each other even after 20 years of being married because we still love each other as much as we always have.

He, with his kind demeanor and caring tendencies.

The smell of something delicious in the oven the moment you walk in the door; cookies perhaps. Yes, cookies. I will always have a cookie jar filled with some new recipe that I am trying out. When you walk in our house, it will always have that certain warmth that can only be explained by the feeling that one would have when spending time there. This house would be a home. It would not feel cold and neglected, nor would it ever have the essence of hatred and pain.

Pancakes in the morning on the weekends. Short, but meaningful breakfasts together every morning before work. Long goodbyes in the morning and a kiss every single night just before our heads hit our pillows and we fall into a sleep, and dream.

Shared conversations and dreams; hopes, failures, hardships, and jealousy: together we conquer it all.

The sound of our laughter drowns out the "realities" that all others will try to convince us of, and we no longer believe in them.

Together; our frail and aging hands will still grasp. My long, gray hair and perhaps your balding head. Nothing will have ever changed except our knowledge of the world.

We will be able to tell our grandchildren stories of our "fairy tale". They will know that perhaps the world isn't so cruel as it is made out to be.

We know, because we've experienced it.

This is my dream.

This is my fairytale.

Call me a dreamer, call me unrealistic.

There is still a big part of my heart that wants to believe all of this can happen, and an even bigger part that knows that it will.

I think many people forget of the stories we learn when we are children. There are so many things one can learn from a fairytale, or the "fiction" section at the library.

Life is like Harold and his purple crayon.

We all have to know reality, and when we have to "wake up", but when we dream, we can create anything.

hmm.

Life can be so cruel sometimes. Since you've passed away I just feel like everything in my life has been different. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, makes me think of you. Today I passed a golf course and thought of when we used to go play golf together. You asked me once if I actually enjoyed playing or if I just went to spend time with you, because I was "actually good at it". I wish that you could have played longer.

Something in the air changed.

Something changed in the everyday things that used to make me so happy.

Sometimes I look at my dad's eyes when he smiles...I can tell when he is truly happy because when he smiles his eyes look different; they change.

His eyes don't glisten when he smiles anymore.

I wish I knew what to say to make everything okay.

I wish that he wouldn't have that sadness in his eyes.

But then, life is cruel.

Life takes away the things you love most...

I feel so grateful to have a someone in my life that keeps me breathing.

He reminds me of how truly beautiful life can be.

You would have loved him, Grandpoo.

He's the funniest, sweetest person I have ever met.

Of course you most likely would've questioned him to no end.

But eventually, you would have caved in.

I remember when we were all eating lunch together one day and Shirley was feeding you, and you gave her a look; that special look.

The way you look at someone when you truly love and appreciate them completely.

...

You would have seen that look between him and I, and I think...I know...you'd fall in love with him too.

I miss you and love you as always.

Still not getting easier.

Goodnight.

marbljfuf.

Every day I seem to have a different song stuck in my head while i'm baking. Today it is Tik Tok-ballad version...and if you want to hear me sing it while Crystal, Soph, and Tina are watching; well then just mosey on over to my youtube channel and watch it. Crystal left today and I am very very sad about that. My best friend, my buf-fuff-fuff, 1/3 of the amigo clan, jobin, bro montana, mumush, my slave master, and of course, the keeper of the stories. It's a sad day in St. Helena. Buuuttt I'll see her at my wedding.

I was frustrated with my cake today. It was a chiffon cake filled with orange white chocolate mousse and decorated with white "chocolate" shavings (and I say white "chocolate" because there isn't actually any chocolate in white chocolate. In fact, the only reason it is called chocolate is because it is made from cocoa butter-which is extracted from the cocao bean. So you see, not really chocolate). Anywho, it was a bad day (and hot) and I could not get my cake to the way I wanted. Probably spent too long on it but I had nothing else to bake for the day so I took my time with it. And then tried to make a rose out of chocolate...inspired by Chef Durfee. FYI, it doesn't work. But at the end of the day during evaluation Chef brown make a comment on how my cake was very clean :) which is good. Forgot to take a picture though. Oh well.

I tried to talk to you today and was greeted by your sarcasm. I'll probably try again some other time but for now I feel done. I don't really want to hear about your opinions and what you think of it via facebook status'. You can just tell me...

But anywho...no homework tonight and no bro monatana to chill with. :(
oh yea, about that youtube video...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Dofk2rPQAI

enjoy.