chaos theory

It's a science.
It tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems:
weather, ocean currents, blood flow; that sort of thing.
But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart; speeding up, slowing down, a pretty face, flight of stairs.
It's always changing depending on what's happening to us out there.
It's an erratic son of a bitch.
But underneath all of that bumper to bump mess there is in fact a pattern; a truth- and its love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it and we choose to recieve it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal. It's the most important thing in the world.

i'll find my rainbow soon.

How can it be that you still have a hold on me.
Wash away. You weren't here to stay.
I close my eyes and all I can see,
is a stranger, disguised as you; staring at me.
Worse than the cruelest insult i've taken.
The way you see me, the way you react to me; I was mistaken.
Once told I was a worthless piece of shit
and it couldn't get much worse.
But you screaming and calling me names,
well that took the place of first.
How can one person hurt you so much?
How can I want to hate you, and still be in your clutch?
I don't want to hear your opinions of me.
I don't even want an apology.
It's too late for everything, anything; gone.
It's too late for good memories, for now those are not strong.
I hate thinking of you, and seeing your name.
I hate when people ask why you're gone and reply with, "that's a shame."
A shame? Yes, it's true. That it is.
But matters of the heart often dissolve and fizz.
Nothing stays perfect, perhaps that's true.
I always thought it was different with you.
I'm okay, and i'll tell you why.
For five nights in a row, I do not fall asleep as I cry.
I'm certain it's because i'm in such a daze.
The way you spoke to me created such a haze.
You'll never understand, and I no longer fret.
For the fear of you ceasing to love me is no longer a threat.

we go together like peas and carrots.

I try so hard to be who you want me to be. Try so hard say what I think you would like to hear. Try to make you feel sorry for me. Try to say something, anything, that will spark something in you. Make you realize what you're doing. Make you see what I see. I'm desperate for it. I want to take your hand and lead you to my world. Back into our world. Make you try again. Make me your world again.
Life's not a fucking fairytale, you say.
Well I never believed in them until I met you, and now you're telling me I can't have it anymore.
Bitter is what i've become. Hopeless is what I've accepted. Breathing is hard. Laughing is temporary. Dreaming is terrifying. Thinking is torture. Memories are a silent killer.
I am infuriated. Nothing you said was true. It's all gone. Stop sending me through this neverending cycle of heartache. Stop promising me the world. Or start again. Stop making me love you. Stop doing one nice thing. Stop doing anything for me because if it's only in that one moment of perfection then the rest of my days are sorrow. Stop picking everything over me. Stop trying to find ways to upset me.
CARE. Can I make you care?
Everything pushes you away.
Used and broken and shattered and so angry. Nothing good will come of this. I can feel all of the resentment that i've always feared, pouring out of me. I'm saying things I've never said. I'm doing things I shouldn't do. In my desperate and pathetic efforts to keep your attention in any way, I keep pushing you into anything else BUT me. Nothing has ever hurt this much. I don't want this. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to see your name. Mention of you sends me into another world. One where everything is gray.
Disney movies lie to you. They end before you can see the real end. I keep thinking of Hercules. The part where Hercules is flying on Pegasus to save Meg before it's too late after the pillar had fallen on her. But he gets there too late.
I don't know what's real anymore.
I don't know what I should or should not accept.
I want to completely shut down and shut you out of my life.
Unfortunately you have something over me that I wish wasn't there.
Because you abandoned me.
I am so bitter.
You'll realize one day.
or not.
Regardless, I wont be there.