so far; it's been such a mess but I love it.

I become addicted to videogames and/or tv shows verrryyy easily.
I am so akward around people I just meet it's beyond redonkulous.
music can literally change my mood; drastically.
people's moods can literally change my mood...(also drastically).
hmm..I am in love with Dwight Shrute.
I used to be a lot tougher about life's punches before I fell in love.
I hate when people ask how culinary school is going, haha.
fact: it's depressing going to the beach alone and noticing that NO ONE else goes to the beach alone...everyone else at least brings their dog.
THEY'RE, THEIR, THERE: There IS a difference. Learn it please.
Just because you are out of high school, does not make your new experiences "college experiences".




All of the pictures of myself that are saved on my computer are saved in a folder titled, "ugly". Don't ask why haha.
I pick up on phrases that other people say if I see them too much.
The only thing that distracts me these days is my piano. <3
I overthink EVERYTHING. It gets me into trouble.
I do a lot of things that I probably shouldn't do.
I don't like to plan things out. If something sounds good, I do it. That also probably gets me into a lot of trouble.




I relate my life to movies a lot...it's a little weird, I'm not going to lie.
I don't remember a lot of things from my high school days, but when I do it is usually triggered by a song.
Every day my phone alerts me with a new "word of the day" and it excites me. I feel a little pathetic about that...
I cried when Pam and Jim(from the Office)found out that Pam was pregnant because Jim was really happy and I fear that I will never have that in my life.
I want to get married, and one of the most exciting things about it all would be decorating our new house together.

Random dreams/desires/goals that I want to accomplish at some point in my life::
-become somewhat of a great ice skater.
-write a book
-write a book that becomes a movie (prefferably a cheesy, tearjerking, cliche but can't predict the ending, heartwarming drama and/or chick flick that guys will also enjoy)
-be completely independent.
-go to a different country and volunteer at a homeless shelter and/or somewhere children need help.
- make a wedding cake for someone famous.
- sing for people somewhere other than karaoke or on youtube.
- be in a movie.
-get married. <3
- believe in things I used to believe in.

everything's just wonderful.

First Christmas without two of the most meaningful men i've ever had in my life. I don't really know how to function clearly. Half of the time I don't know what i'm saying, and the other half i'm listening and realize that nothing that was said has been processed. And people don't understand or care.
It's one of the hardest times of my life. What would be great was if people stopped trying to change me. I'm trying to figure out who I am myself. I don't need people who love me and should accept me the way I am; telling me I'm "too quiet, too serious, too antisocial...if you keep this up, you'll eventually have no one left in life. You're nice, but too quiet." Leave me alone. I am who I am and even if you aren't comfortable with it, leave it be. No one takes the time to think that maybe all of these things hurt my feelings and make me feel even more antisocial or defective in some way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not a good enough person.
I wish that people would let me grieve, let me be sad, let me be ME.
I wish there were still people in my life who truly accept me. I feel so alone.
Merry Christmas.

just another manic monday.

Can't sleep. Mind jumbling. Heart racing. Head pounding. Heart broken. Body numb. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could distract myself. Wish I had more to say. Wish I knew how to say all the things i'm thinking. Want to know what the right thing to do is. Want to put you out of my mind.
Can't. Can't do any of it.

fun for everyonnneeee.

According to Urban dictionary:

Alex: noun.
Someone that is of extreme greatness. Often considered as a god in some religions. Also means cool.One of the best friends you could ever meet. Sometimes quiet and patient but when she's around a group shes wild and fun. She is always there to listen to you and give you a hug if you need one. She is willing to try anything. She can talk for hours or just have no idea what's going on. She is an overall great person to be around.



Jack: A very intellectual, insightful man with the most honest heart. His intentions and words are always well intended and he has the sexiest eyes in the whole world.
If you ever argue with a 'Jack' he will for sure make a Jack Ass out of YOU.
He always thinks ahead and see's the bigger picture. He hates fighting/ argueing. * yawn* its boring to him.
But he will always win because he plays by his own rules. His morality is strong and hes as dependable as a solid rock. A guy you can count on. Loves meeting new people where ever he goes. Loves freedom. Hates being conformed. Wont change for anyone and wont expect you to change either.
Highly independant. Likes to use his head. And its a very powerful one..very brilliant. Has women falling every where while hes still standing.
Humbel.Funny. Wont lie.
Jack is the sexiest guy ever


Julia: name for girls. Most julia's are artistic, smart, romantic, beautiful and also very charming. Julia's can get whatever they want if they try. They can be very sexy so watch out! They are romantics and love old movies, art and books. they love old stuff! They usually aren't very athletic but if a julia is athletic she's kick butt! they have great fashion sense and usually look smokin'. A julia will most likely become a mother because they love kids. They are very successful in life and there is just something about them that draws people in. Also they are ah-mazing dancers!

Jennifer: A funny girl. Really smart, and usually doen't act her age.(wether it be acting older or younger)Jennifer's have amazing eys, and love to laugh and smile. They generaly enjoy the finer things in life. They have trouble showing their feelings, and take sometime to warm up to new poeple. They don't trust easily, but that shouldn't stop you from trusting them, they are very trustworthy. They need someone who will listen to them and give their honest opinion. Jennifers are very blunt, and speak their minds often. They are caring and usually very sexy. They know how to flirt in a very suddle way that drives men crazy. They know how to get what they want. Jennifers are very good friends.
Man: Dude, I ment the most amazing girl today. She's funny, and smart, and has amazing eyes.

Man2: Yeah man, cool. What's her name?

Man: Jennifer
( I kept the example because I thought it was hilarious :) )

-or-

Seester: a fun way to say sister, it is something for close sisters who love each other to tell each other and know that it is only theres.


Raychel: Smoking hot babe that is both genuine and gentle-spirited; A wonderful girl you can take home to mom but also can't wait to get alone. Extremely talented and confident but not conceited or contrived. Someone you want by your side in both the shadows and the sunlight.

-or-

Sister Friend: A person who is always there for you. Similar to a best friend but more, someone you hope will be in your life forever, she will be in your wedding and you two know eachother like sisters would.
Not developed with time, a person you meet and just know they are your sister friend.



Tina: Slang for Crystal Meth. the most beautiful girl you will ever lay eyes on. she has long pretty hair and big brown eyes. she will reel you in at hello, she is amazing in every way.



Beth: gem like, shim-shimmering like a precious stone, awe-inspiring and captivating.
That girl who you just cant find anything to bitch about. Always really nice, but never too nice. Generally quite smart and can be blushingly nerdy, but the type of nerd that everyone loves. Has an awesomely wicked sense of humour that's so witty and can burn people to the ground. Someone everyone wants to be friends with.


Bryan: A general term, originating in the midwest, for a reformed gangsta who often has relapses to his former being.


Jason: Leader of the Argonauts; Legendary Hero associated with Greek Mythology; Same level as Hercules, Ulysses, and Achilles; Often RF Engineer by day and gigaloo by night. Admired and idolized by many.


Jessica: she is an amAzing and beautiful girl with the best smile. she has the effect of brightening up someone's day (even just by smiling). she is absolutely adorable. she sometimes says things without thinking, but she's so cute when she does. she's sooo funny. she smells really nice too. in one word, jessica is wonderful.


Nicole: pretty much the most awesome person you will ver hope to meet. many people try to be as balla as nicole's but in many cases to not suceed.nicoles are pretty awesome and pretty much the greatest thing sience...EVER! many people hope to be nicole but never are because shes a ballaholic!



Sophie: A Sophie Is A Girls Name. The Meaning Of The Name Is Wisdom. And Its Origin Is From The French Lands. People Who Are Called Sophie Tend To Try And Be Better Than The Last Time, Try Their Hardest. You Usually See Them With Unique Style (Usually Colours And Skinny Jeans) And Head Banging Or Doing Something Rather Strange And Unique To The Human Eye, As She Doesn't Like To Blend In With The Crowd. They Love Jelly Beans, Ice Cream But Loves Melon And Pasta! Not Forgetting MUSIC! When She Is Drunk (On 1 Can) She Is Either Dry-Humping Of Being Sick... Dang It! Anyway She Says She Won't Do That In The Future. Any Lad Or Girl Are Lucky For Having This Gem.


Crystal: a freaky, wild, spontaneous, and party girl with a love for life...and sex

missyou,missyou.

I miss you so much. Everyone lied, time heals nothing. It's amazing how much of an effect people can have on our everyday lives. One person can make another's significantly better just by smiling at them, and I miss your smile. I would give anything to hear you singing. I need your help because nothing seems to be okay these days. I think about your dog sometimes. I wonder what happened to him. The day I get my car, I will drive to see you I promise. You never got the chance to come and visit me, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I have no one to turn to, Grandpoo. I wish that things would have turned out differently. I wish that everything would have turned out differently. I'm living day by day, hour by hour. Not looking forward to anything; just trying to make it through each day. I look forward to sleeping because I can see you. It happens often but not often enough. You are always happy in my dreams. Happy and painless. I am SO thankful that I got the chance to see you the last time I did. And I will always remember when we were eating lunch together and you stopped eating, turned to me and said, "I love you so much Alejandra." Sometimes that alone gets me through my days. That, and your picture in my pocket that's closest to my heart. Tell me sometinghappy beforeI go to sleep.
I love you.

still waiting.

Waiting for you. It seems to be how I spend most of my days now. The hours I have to wait for a response from you sometimes seem longer than my eight hour work days. Minutes of my life just ticking away as I pathetically waste my time on meaningless tasks to make the time go by faster. Disappointment after disappointment; when will I learn? When wll my heart finally have enough? When will I finally break down and refuse to take it anymore? It's ridiculous, but my life was the same when you weren't in it anymore. Yes, when you were gone, I expected nothing from you. In return, I didn't feel that emptiness that has now come back to haunt me. It is completely and disgustingly heartbreaking to not have your love returned. Even worse, to remeber when it was returned. So many little ways that prove you're no longer interested in this. It breaks my heart every single day. And why I stay? I would tell you, I would, it's just that I don't know the answer. I want to be cared for and taken care of. Not taken for granted. I don't want to be lied to. I don't want to waste my life away with a feeling of complete disgst for myself and envy everyone else who has a working relationship. And can I let you in on a little secret? It's not a relationship if you don't talk to the other person. It's hard enough as it is to be far away from each other. You make it that much harder by making me feel like it's fine when i'm there but when I'm not I'm just completely out of your life. These are the things that I have come to expect. I expect disappointment, and uncomfortably accept it now. In fact,I refuse any kind of caring gesture because I just don't believe in it. I just know that it never stays. And for that reason, I almost don't even want it. Why am I here? What am I doing? I die a little every day and you are living on. I lost my phone for a day and was going crazy because I had no way to talk to you. There were no missed calls from you when I found it. Oh i'm sure there was a legitamite excuse. Go ahead, humor me. You always have an excuse and you always will. You don't try anymore. If trying is making plans with friends while we had plans, and then letting me kno how bad you felt about breaking those other plans, then your idea of trying is pathetic. If your idea of making time for me is seeing each other for a few hours while i'm home one day out of the month then your idea of making time for me is pathetic. Year one: Blindfold me, take me to the spot where we first kissed. Play our song and propose to me. Year two: Make dinner for me and bring it over to my house along with rose petals and candles. Year three: Nothing. Anniversaries: Forgotten. Do you wake up in morning and think of me? No. Are you constantly looking at the clock to talk to me on my breaks at work or when I get off? No. Do you have trouble sleeping if we haven't talked on the phone and said our goodnights? No. No, no, no to them all. Why? Because you don't feel the way you once did and it's SO OBVIOUS. I really wish you would stop tormenting me. I wish I could stop tormenting myself. I wish I could blow it off, like you do. When we don't talk, you go about your day like everything is fine and normal. God it hurts so much to know that the one person I love the most doesn't need nor want me anymore. I want this pain to go away. But here I am. Pathetically and miserably waiting for you. Just waiting... prove me wrong.

you've made it difficult.

So as I sit here at midnight, watching ballet on tv, I think to myself of everything that will be difficult without you. My mind is going crazy and it's unbelievably loud in my head. No more weekends together, no more making pizzas. No more texting you to tell you something random that happened. No more sharing jokes together, and no more car rides together. No more making fun of ridiculous things. No more inside jokes and no more listening to each other breathe on the phone. The hard things might be harder without your hugs and comforting words. The happy things may not be as great without my best friend to share them with. When I think of holidays, I can't think of a reason to want to celebrate. When I think of my future, there is no longer another person wanting those same things with me. I think of things like how I wont see your dog anymore, and I laugh to myself because I wonder why that would ever matter. No more fighting...and no more making up. One less stuffed animal on my bed. I wont be able to look at my pictures on my computer, and there is really no reason for the bulletin board in my room anymore. I had to unplug the digital frame. I don't want to listen to any old music that may be on my play lists. I think of you being completely out of my life and my heart completely sinks and I feel a feeling that is indescribable. I will be okay. I want you to know that only one other thing has ever put me through this much pain. But yes, I will be okay. What else can I do but survive.