so far; it's been such a mess but I love it.

I become addicted to videogames and/or tv shows verrryyy easily.
I am so akward around people I just meet it's beyond redonkulous.
music can literally change my mood; drastically.
people's moods can literally change my mood...(also drastically).
hmm..I am in love with Dwight Shrute.
I used to be a lot tougher about life's punches before I fell in love.
I hate when people ask how culinary school is going, haha.
fact: it's depressing going to the beach alone and noticing that NO ONE else goes to the beach alone...everyone else at least brings their dog.
THEY'RE, THEIR, THERE: There IS a difference. Learn it please.
Just because you are out of high school, does not make your new experiences "college experiences".




All of the pictures of myself that are saved on my computer are saved in a folder titled, "ugly". Don't ask why haha.
I pick up on phrases that other people say if I see them too much.
The only thing that distracts me these days is my piano. <3
I overthink EVERYTHING. It gets me into trouble.
I do a lot of things that I probably shouldn't do.
I don't like to plan things out. If something sounds good, I do it. That also probably gets me into a lot of trouble.




I relate my life to movies a lot...it's a little weird, I'm not going to lie.
I don't remember a lot of things from my high school days, but when I do it is usually triggered by a song.
Every day my phone alerts me with a new "word of the day" and it excites me. I feel a little pathetic about that...
I cried when Pam and Jim(from the Office)found out that Pam was pregnant because Jim was really happy and I fear that I will never have that in my life.
I want to get married, and one of the most exciting things about it all would be decorating our new house together.

Random dreams/desires/goals that I want to accomplish at some point in my life::
-become somewhat of a great ice skater.
-write a book
-write a book that becomes a movie (prefferably a cheesy, tearjerking, cliche but can't predict the ending, heartwarming drama and/or chick flick that guys will also enjoy)
-be completely independent.
-go to a different country and volunteer at a homeless shelter and/or somewhere children need help.
- make a wedding cake for someone famous.
- sing for people somewhere other than karaoke or on youtube.
- be in a movie.
-get married. <3
- believe in things I used to believe in.

everything's just wonderful.

First Christmas without two of the most meaningful men i've ever had in my life. I don't really know how to function clearly. Half of the time I don't know what i'm saying, and the other half i'm listening and realize that nothing that was said has been processed. And people don't understand or care.
It's one of the hardest times of my life. What would be great was if people stopped trying to change me. I'm trying to figure out who I am myself. I don't need people who love me and should accept me the way I am; telling me I'm "too quiet, too serious, too antisocial...if you keep this up, you'll eventually have no one left in life. You're nice, but too quiet." Leave me alone. I am who I am and even if you aren't comfortable with it, leave it be. No one takes the time to think that maybe all of these things hurt my feelings and make me feel even more antisocial or defective in some way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not a good enough person.
I wish that people would let me grieve, let me be sad, let me be ME.
I wish there were still people in my life who truly accept me. I feel so alone.
Merry Christmas.

just another manic monday.

Can't sleep. Mind jumbling. Heart racing. Head pounding. Heart broken. Body numb. I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could distract myself. Wish I had more to say. Wish I knew how to say all the things i'm thinking. Want to know what the right thing to do is. Want to put you out of my mind.
Can't. Can't do any of it.

fun for everyonnneeee.

According to Urban dictionary:

Alex: noun.
Someone that is of extreme greatness. Often considered as a god in some religions. Also means cool.One of the best friends you could ever meet. Sometimes quiet and patient but when she's around a group shes wild and fun. She is always there to listen to you and give you a hug if you need one. She is willing to try anything. She can talk for hours or just have no idea what's going on. She is an overall great person to be around.



Jack: A very intellectual, insightful man with the most honest heart. His intentions and words are always well intended and he has the sexiest eyes in the whole world.
If you ever argue with a 'Jack' he will for sure make a Jack Ass out of YOU.
He always thinks ahead and see's the bigger picture. He hates fighting/ argueing. * yawn* its boring to him.
But he will always win because he plays by his own rules. His morality is strong and hes as dependable as a solid rock. A guy you can count on. Loves meeting new people where ever he goes. Loves freedom. Hates being conformed. Wont change for anyone and wont expect you to change either.
Highly independant. Likes to use his head. And its a very powerful one..very brilliant. Has women falling every where while hes still standing.
Humbel.Funny. Wont lie.
Jack is the sexiest guy ever


Julia: name for girls. Most julia's are artistic, smart, romantic, beautiful and also very charming. Julia's can get whatever they want if they try. They can be very sexy so watch out! They are romantics and love old movies, art and books. they love old stuff! They usually aren't very athletic but if a julia is athletic she's kick butt! they have great fashion sense and usually look smokin'. A julia will most likely become a mother because they love kids. They are very successful in life and there is just something about them that draws people in. Also they are ah-mazing dancers!

Jennifer: A funny girl. Really smart, and usually doen't act her age.(wether it be acting older or younger)Jennifer's have amazing eys, and love to laugh and smile. They generaly enjoy the finer things in life. They have trouble showing their feelings, and take sometime to warm up to new poeple. They don't trust easily, but that shouldn't stop you from trusting them, they are very trustworthy. They need someone who will listen to them and give their honest opinion. Jennifers are very blunt, and speak their minds often. They are caring and usually very sexy. They know how to flirt in a very suddle way that drives men crazy. They know how to get what they want. Jennifers are very good friends.
Man: Dude, I ment the most amazing girl today. She's funny, and smart, and has amazing eyes.

Man2: Yeah man, cool. What's her name?

Man: Jennifer
( I kept the example because I thought it was hilarious :) )

-or-

Seester: a fun way to say sister, it is something for close sisters who love each other to tell each other and know that it is only theres.


Raychel: Smoking hot babe that is both genuine and gentle-spirited; A wonderful girl you can take home to mom but also can't wait to get alone. Extremely talented and confident but not conceited or contrived. Someone you want by your side in both the shadows and the sunlight.

-or-

Sister Friend: A person who is always there for you. Similar to a best friend but more, someone you hope will be in your life forever, she will be in your wedding and you two know eachother like sisters would.
Not developed with time, a person you meet and just know they are your sister friend.



Tina: Slang for Crystal Meth. the most beautiful girl you will ever lay eyes on. she has long pretty hair and big brown eyes. she will reel you in at hello, she is amazing in every way.



Beth: gem like, shim-shimmering like a precious stone, awe-inspiring and captivating.
That girl who you just cant find anything to bitch about. Always really nice, but never too nice. Generally quite smart and can be blushingly nerdy, but the type of nerd that everyone loves. Has an awesomely wicked sense of humour that's so witty and can burn people to the ground. Someone everyone wants to be friends with.


Bryan: A general term, originating in the midwest, for a reformed gangsta who often has relapses to his former being.


Jason: Leader of the Argonauts; Legendary Hero associated with Greek Mythology; Same level as Hercules, Ulysses, and Achilles; Often RF Engineer by day and gigaloo by night. Admired and idolized by many.


Jessica: she is an amAzing and beautiful girl with the best smile. she has the effect of brightening up someone's day (even just by smiling). she is absolutely adorable. she sometimes says things without thinking, but she's so cute when she does. she's sooo funny. she smells really nice too. in one word, jessica is wonderful.


Nicole: pretty much the most awesome person you will ver hope to meet. many people try to be as balla as nicole's but in many cases to not suceed.nicoles are pretty awesome and pretty much the greatest thing sience...EVER! many people hope to be nicole but never are because shes a ballaholic!



Sophie: A Sophie Is A Girls Name. The Meaning Of The Name Is Wisdom. And Its Origin Is From The French Lands. People Who Are Called Sophie Tend To Try And Be Better Than The Last Time, Try Their Hardest. You Usually See Them With Unique Style (Usually Colours And Skinny Jeans) And Head Banging Or Doing Something Rather Strange And Unique To The Human Eye, As She Doesn't Like To Blend In With The Crowd. They Love Jelly Beans, Ice Cream But Loves Melon And Pasta! Not Forgetting MUSIC! When She Is Drunk (On 1 Can) She Is Either Dry-Humping Of Being Sick... Dang It! Anyway She Says She Won't Do That In The Future. Any Lad Or Girl Are Lucky For Having This Gem.


Crystal: a freaky, wild, spontaneous, and party girl with a love for life...and sex

missyou,missyou.

I miss you so much. Everyone lied, time heals nothing. It's amazing how much of an effect people can have on our everyday lives. One person can make another's significantly better just by smiling at them, and I miss your smile. I would give anything to hear you singing. I need your help because nothing seems to be okay these days. I think about your dog sometimes. I wonder what happened to him. The day I get my car, I will drive to see you I promise. You never got the chance to come and visit me, but that doesn't mean that I won't. I have no one to turn to, Grandpoo. I wish that things would have turned out differently. I wish that everything would have turned out differently. I'm living day by day, hour by hour. Not looking forward to anything; just trying to make it through each day. I look forward to sleeping because I can see you. It happens often but not often enough. You are always happy in my dreams. Happy and painless. I am SO thankful that I got the chance to see you the last time I did. And I will always remember when we were eating lunch together and you stopped eating, turned to me and said, "I love you so much Alejandra." Sometimes that alone gets me through my days. That, and your picture in my pocket that's closest to my heart. Tell me sometinghappy beforeI go to sleep.
I love you.

still waiting.

Waiting for you. It seems to be how I spend most of my days now. The hours I have to wait for a response from you sometimes seem longer than my eight hour work days. Minutes of my life just ticking away as I pathetically waste my time on meaningless tasks to make the time go by faster. Disappointment after disappointment; when will I learn? When wll my heart finally have enough? When will I finally break down and refuse to take it anymore? It's ridiculous, but my life was the same when you weren't in it anymore. Yes, when you were gone, I expected nothing from you. In return, I didn't feel that emptiness that has now come back to haunt me. It is completely and disgustingly heartbreaking to not have your love returned. Even worse, to remeber when it was returned. So many little ways that prove you're no longer interested in this. It breaks my heart every single day. And why I stay? I would tell you, I would, it's just that I don't know the answer. I want to be cared for and taken care of. Not taken for granted. I don't want to be lied to. I don't want to waste my life away with a feeling of complete disgst for myself and envy everyone else who has a working relationship. And can I let you in on a little secret? It's not a relationship if you don't talk to the other person. It's hard enough as it is to be far away from each other. You make it that much harder by making me feel like it's fine when i'm there but when I'm not I'm just completely out of your life. These are the things that I have come to expect. I expect disappointment, and uncomfortably accept it now. In fact,I refuse any kind of caring gesture because I just don't believe in it. I just know that it never stays. And for that reason, I almost don't even want it. Why am I here? What am I doing? I die a little every day and you are living on. I lost my phone for a day and was going crazy because I had no way to talk to you. There were no missed calls from you when I found it. Oh i'm sure there was a legitamite excuse. Go ahead, humor me. You always have an excuse and you always will. You don't try anymore. If trying is making plans with friends while we had plans, and then letting me kno how bad you felt about breaking those other plans, then your idea of trying is pathetic. If your idea of making time for me is seeing each other for a few hours while i'm home one day out of the month then your idea of making time for me is pathetic. Year one: Blindfold me, take me to the spot where we first kissed. Play our song and propose to me. Year two: Make dinner for me and bring it over to my house along with rose petals and candles. Year three: Nothing. Anniversaries: Forgotten. Do you wake up in morning and think of me? No. Are you constantly looking at the clock to talk to me on my breaks at work or when I get off? No. Do you have trouble sleeping if we haven't talked on the phone and said our goodnights? No. No, no, no to them all. Why? Because you don't feel the way you once did and it's SO OBVIOUS. I really wish you would stop tormenting me. I wish I could stop tormenting myself. I wish I could blow it off, like you do. When we don't talk, you go about your day like everything is fine and normal. God it hurts so much to know that the one person I love the most doesn't need nor want me anymore. I want this pain to go away. But here I am. Pathetically and miserably waiting for you. Just waiting... prove me wrong.

you've made it difficult.

So as I sit here at midnight, watching ballet on tv, I think to myself of everything that will be difficult without you. My mind is going crazy and it's unbelievably loud in my head. No more weekends together, no more making pizzas. No more texting you to tell you something random that happened. No more sharing jokes together, and no more car rides together. No more making fun of ridiculous things. No more inside jokes and no more listening to each other breathe on the phone. The hard things might be harder without your hugs and comforting words. The happy things may not be as great without my best friend to share them with. When I think of holidays, I can't think of a reason to want to celebrate. When I think of my future, there is no longer another person wanting those same things with me. I think of things like how I wont see your dog anymore, and I laugh to myself because I wonder why that would ever matter. No more fighting...and no more making up. One less stuffed animal on my bed. I wont be able to look at my pictures on my computer, and there is really no reason for the bulletin board in my room anymore. I had to unplug the digital frame. I don't want to listen to any old music that may be on my play lists. I think of you being completely out of my life and my heart completely sinks and I feel a feeling that is indescribable. I will be okay. I want you to know that only one other thing has ever put me through this much pain. But yes, I will be okay. What else can I do but survive.

cliche.

I know that it all sounds like a huge cliche. I just feel like I need you to breathe. You are my everything and I got tossed aside. And for what? You say you need me but you just don't. You thought that you needed me. I guess I gave you the chance to prove yourself wrong. It only confirmed what I feared the most.I can't just forget about you and I can't live the way I was living. My ceiling has millions of pieces of stucko on it and I think that I have counted them all. I can't even use my debit card because I know I will have to use the code. Everything we promised each other just got thrown away. All the times when we confided in each other, the times we spent making plans for our future- none of that matters anymore. You let me go...I told you how unimportant you made me feel and said I couldn't take it anymore, and you just let me go. Instead of fighting for me...you made me feel that much more unimportant and let me walk away. I want to call you. Want to see you, talk to you, sit with you...I reached for the phone so many times today. But then I realized that you had a life without me..a life that may be better without me. A life that is filled with future plans. A plan that I was no longer a part of. A life that does not revolve around paying attention to me. So I put the phone down because even though it is so incredibly hard to be without you, it is that much harder to be an unimportant part of your life. Because I remember the days when you completely adored me. I remember the days when you would drop everything to spend five minutes with me. Any chance you got, you took it. If I needed anything, I didn't have to worry about you getting irritated or upset because you had to cancel plans, you were there for me no matter what. You were the most important person in my life. I have made mistakes that have driven you away and I wish more than anything that I could take that back. I was so caught up in fitting in and having fun, and was part of the reason why we are where we are today. Then again, so were you. I will never forget you. I care about you more than any person in the whole entire world, and my life is not the same after one day without you. I'm sure it will only get harder from here on out. It kills me to let go, but if you don't even notice or care that i'm gone, what's the point? You could have come after me. I came by your house to say goodbye today. You weren't there. I guess it's a sign that you will be okay this time. I hope that you can be happy.

these are a few of my favorite things.

When you're walking on the beach, and your weight pushes the moisture out of the sand around your foot.
The way the lines on telephone poles dip in the middle.
People spreading their good moods.
Warm blankets.
Fires in winter.
Movies on a rainy day.
Playing a really good videogame :)
Rolling down the windows and having the air conditioner on at the same time.
Random texts from good friends.
Cherry stands.
Cherry stands that mispell the word "cherry".
Family dinners at the table.
The smell of christmas.
Re-rereading letters from grandpoo.
Looking at really old pictures.
Lots of pillows on the bed.
Picking daisies.
Finding people from elementary school on facebook.
Alphabetizing recipe cards.
The smell of chocolate chip cookies in the oven.
Driving alone so I can sing loudly and terribly.
and more... <3

It's a scientific fact my friends.

Relationships are sooooo wonderful that:
Women get a certain drug released in their brains that give them a feeling of "love" and security and comfort. When women are in love, they feel a connection to the man.

MEN: Also get a nice little drug dose sent off in their brains that releases feelings of pleasure.

Well, my friends, pleasure goes away. Therefore those "feelings" go away.
What's my point?
I hate men and everything they stand for?
No, too harsh.
How about...I hate MOST men and everything they stand for.
Much better :)

Soooooo, eh-em,

Dear (MOST) Men,
Die in a fire.
With all of my love,
Alexandra Mikaella Martinez



Oh by the way, watch a comforting video courtesy of youtube.
Muah.

Time to go.

I don't like change, I've decided. I don't like it until it becomes normal again. I want someone to talk to about anything and everything but I'm afraid I've lost all of those people thanks to my good friend, change. I guess what I miss most is you.
I'm tired of having dreams about you that cause me to wake up with panic attacks. I miss having you around but there's absolutely nothing I do about it. So then I find myself actually hoping that I do dream about you just to get a little comfort on some aspect.
I don't want to move away. I never really enjoyed holidays, but I'm very sad that I wont be spending them with my family this year. I think I've maybe finally figured out what is most important in life, and it is NOT what I thought it was.
Anyway. I know change has to happen, but I'm tired of the changes being depressing ones. Maybe moving away will bring something new and, hopefully, great. I mean it's only for five months, right?
I just don't want to lose more than I already have.

PS: I hate you.

I hate romantic comedies. They make me sick with their false advertisments of love. It breaks my heart, but I secretly love them anyway. I really miss the days when nothing else mattered but the person you love. Stupid life. I hate you for getting in the way. I miss when everything was put aside just to spend a few minutes together. Everything else seems to be more important now. Normality defines us. It truly breaks my heart. It's what I've always feared the most.
Let's time travel, please?
Bring me flowers, write me notes, call me and lets talk for hours. In fact, don't hang up because we can just fall asleep on the phone. Dream about me. Tell your friends how much you like me. Write a note in lime green sharpie because I once commented that I like the color on a lime green bowl. Don't tell me about other girls you find attractive. Make me feel more important than unimportant nothings.
Hold my hand, kiss me, hug me for longer than a moment.
I miss you.

man oh man.

I am hoping that now that the Giants have won the world series, that the world will shut up about them. I guess I just don't really understand all the fluff and hype about sports teams. Sports fans will forever remain a mystery to me. Its just that; I figure, if you enjoy baseball so much - go out and play baseball. Getting so excited for a team that has no direct relation to you or your life seems a bit, well, lame.

I think it may be just me but everything just seems so superficial nowadays. Maybe it's because the world is ending in 2012, and I feel that there are more important things in life than pointless sports games and making sure your hair looks great every morning. Then again if the world is indeed ending, I would want everyone to embrace all that is superficial and just have the best time they could; to each their own.

How I wish I could have lived in earlier times though. I would love to live in the times when everyone was ignorant, and freedom wasn't so free. For some reason I would have loved to live in the times where women had to wear skirts,stay home, bear children, make dinner, and call it a day. Not that I feel that women shouldn't be able to have a career; I would have been a feminist. I would have been one of those women who wore dresses to their calves instead of their ankles.

But now we live in the times where women walk around half naked, and "close-minded" people have a fit about it. Women are able to appear naked in movies, whereas perhaps only a short 40 years ago it was not acceptable for a married couple to sleep in the same bed on a tv show. Oh how times have changed. I'm not so sure it's for the better. I'm not so sure I would really call it open-minded.
Girls dress for other girls, and I don't care what anyone else says. Because I'm pretty sure if a girl wore a shirt that was perhaps too revealing, and a guy made a comment about it or maybe even honked while driving by, this girl would most likely be outraged. Being in today's society, she would most likely update her facebook status to something such as: "oh my goodness, can't even waer a skirt these days without groos men looking at me".
And it is these types of things that truly irritate me. If men are, like some women may say, male chauvinist pigs who are only after one thing, why would you dress in a provocative manner and expect no kind of reaction?

One day, perhaps soon, my blogs will be less hostile. I will talk about daisies and hair, and I will tell you all of how I plan to get my nails done the next day. I will spill some ridiculous gossip and maybe someone will post a comment saying "OMG". And then everyone will read my blogs, and It'll be, like, awesome.
But until then...

forever?

Did you know that doves are extremely loyal to their mates? Unlike most other animals who go from mate to mate, or animals like a praying mantis who eat the males after the have mated...doves stay together. I would like to be a dove. I would like to believe that it is possible for humans to have a forever binding love that lasts forever; a monogamous relationship that stays new and exciting and incredible. Society puts wonderful romanticisms in your head via chessy romance films and novels. However, reality sets a different tone. "It's hard", and that's all you ever hear. People who can make a lasting relationship often long for new exciting things and those who are constantly with new people feel lonely. What gives? We don't know what we want. We want what we can't have. "It's hard". It's hard to commit yourself to trying to please another person before yourself. It's hard to try and figure out how to relate to a different opinion. It's hard, it's hard, it's hard.
But is it worth it?
Yes.

maggie

I love you.

yes, yes I did.

To you:

My hands have an unwanted dampness to them. My stomach, an uneasyness. My heart is going a million miles per hour and my mind racing. This is what you do to me. The way you answer the phone can either make or destroy my day, week, life. Your smile eases any uncertainty in my mind.You have the power to completely break me. At times, you unknowingly do just that. But all you have to do to fix it is hold my hand. Or look in my eyes and tell me you love me. Sometimes I hate how pathetic I have become. I hate how much you affect me sometimes.
I still think about it you know. I mean, never often. The other day I heard something that absolutely disgusted me. I got this picture in my mind and now I can't seem to get it out. It's ridiculous, of course. But it won't go away.
Ive become to think so little of myself, I regret to say. But you know all about that now, don't you? The way I feel about you is so different from anything vie ever felt for anyone. I never wanted to make you feel the way I once felt. Nothing can explain this gross feeling that completely consumes me when I think of the difficult parts of our relationship. The sickness I get from worry. Please don't ever feel that way. Know that you are the only thing that matters to me. Please know that never again will I make you feel that way, or even do anything to make you feel that way. Love me forever because I always will. I promise to try my hardest...

I wish.

Sometimes I pretend that I am happy for so long that I start to believe it myself. I have yet to decide if this is good or bad. Maybe it's both. Then again maybe it doesn't really even matter. People ask how others are all the time, and only process the response 3% of the time. Not to mention, when is the last time you asked an acquaintance how they were and they said anything but the typical, "fine". People wouldn't notice if someone was sad. Even if they did, they would probably brush it off as being "put off", and disregard the person. So what's the point of even pretending to be happy?
I wish I could tell you everything I feel. I wish you somehow just knew. All I can do is hope that these feelings go away and my life will once again return to what I consider as normal. My normal life...
I get so frustrated when people complain for idiotic reasons. Still, I find myself doing it all the time. My grandpa passed away the day of my last practical. I found out one hour before it started. I kept his picture in my pocket closest to my heart. I'm convinced he is very proud of me. Someone started crying today because the next practical is "unfair". It's reasons like these why I seem to send a bitter vibe towards most people.
I don't care for small talk most of the time, but won't commit myself to letting out my true feelings with anyone. Go figure. Instead I pathetically write to myself in a blog, and any unknown readers that consist of one, or perhaps two, if someone has nothing else to do.
Hot chocolate, and then sleep.
Happy birthday, Grandpa.

milk and cookies.

I build forts out of blankets and chairs.
I imagine realities; that aren't really there.
I am not crazy, but happy instead.
my life is so perfect, but all in my head.
my eyelids are shut; my mind on its own
I wake in the morning with an agonized groan.
my feet are blistered and my bad knee still hurts.
I wake to remember everything bad still lurks.
What I hate in the world are the false accusations.
The unkowing, the aching, the promised destinations.
I suppose what I need, is to first decide
what's more important: my dreams or my pride?
I would like to just live in my blankets and forts,
to live in a bubble with no news or reports.
innocently and freely; never with doubt
the absolute cringing pain of heartahe, I can do without.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
but with all this pain, it's not like I'll live longer...

chemo limo.

one thing becomes more and more apparent as I write these blogs:
They don't do a damn thing.

I don't allow myself to feel sad, and everytime I think of you I force myself to think of the last thing that made me laugh just so that a tear won't form.
It's fucking ridiculous how cruel the world is.
I'm mad for whatever reason.
I don't have the courage to call the one person who probably needs it the most...

I miss you and that's all I can ever do or say.
How can I explain it when I don't understand it myself...
I wish I could talk to someone who I felt understood; but I wouldn't even know what to say.

Why would probably be a good question.
I have this splitting headache that goes all the way through my body and seems to stop and ache right in my heart..perhaps the weakest point.
and I've got nothing that will make it go away.

Someone needs to bring you back.
or bring me to you.

iwantafairytale.

I want it all. Perhaps it's my age and the fact that I am still "naive". I suppose I know that I haven't truly faced any real problems in my life yet. I still hold that little bit of hope that i'm one of life's exceptions.

For me, it will be different. I won't have an average job, and perhaps I'll make a little more money than the average...

Maybe I will get married and have the greatest relationship with my best friend. We will fight but it will end over a shared glance from across the room and a familiar smile. We will still spend some of our free time suprising each other even after 20 years of being married because we still love each other as much as we always have.

He, with his kind demeanor and caring tendencies.

The smell of something delicious in the oven the moment you walk in the door; cookies perhaps. Yes, cookies. I will always have a cookie jar filled with some new recipe that I am trying out. When you walk in our house, it will always have that certain warmth that can only be explained by the feeling that one would have when spending time there. This house would be a home. It would not feel cold and neglected, nor would it ever have the essence of hatred and pain.

Pancakes in the morning on the weekends. Short, but meaningful breakfasts together every morning before work. Long goodbyes in the morning and a kiss every single night just before our heads hit our pillows and we fall into a sleep, and dream.

Shared conversations and dreams; hopes, failures, hardships, and jealousy: together we conquer it all.

The sound of our laughter drowns out the "realities" that all others will try to convince us of, and we no longer believe in them.

Together; our frail and aging hands will still grasp. My long, gray hair and perhaps your balding head. Nothing will have ever changed except our knowledge of the world.

We will be able to tell our grandchildren stories of our "fairy tale". They will know that perhaps the world isn't so cruel as it is made out to be.

We know, because we've experienced it.

This is my dream.

This is my fairytale.

Call me a dreamer, call me unrealistic.

There is still a big part of my heart that wants to believe all of this can happen, and an even bigger part that knows that it will.

I think many people forget of the stories we learn when we are children. There are so many things one can learn from a fairytale, or the "fiction" section at the library.

Life is like Harold and his purple crayon.

We all have to know reality, and when we have to "wake up", but when we dream, we can create anything.

hmm.

Life can be so cruel sometimes. Since you've passed away I just feel like everything in my life has been different. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, makes me think of you. Today I passed a golf course and thought of when we used to go play golf together. You asked me once if I actually enjoyed playing or if I just went to spend time with you, because I was "actually good at it". I wish that you could have played longer.

Something in the air changed.

Something changed in the everyday things that used to make me so happy.

Sometimes I look at my dad's eyes when he smiles...I can tell when he is truly happy because when he smiles his eyes look different; they change.

His eyes don't glisten when he smiles anymore.

I wish I knew what to say to make everything okay.

I wish that he wouldn't have that sadness in his eyes.

But then, life is cruel.

Life takes away the things you love most...

I feel so grateful to have a someone in my life that keeps me breathing.

He reminds me of how truly beautiful life can be.

You would have loved him, Grandpoo.

He's the funniest, sweetest person I have ever met.

Of course you most likely would've questioned him to no end.

But eventually, you would have caved in.

I remember when we were all eating lunch together one day and Shirley was feeding you, and you gave her a look; that special look.

The way you look at someone when you truly love and appreciate them completely.

...

You would have seen that look between him and I, and I think...I know...you'd fall in love with him too.

I miss you and love you as always.

Still not getting easier.

Goodnight.

marbljfuf.

Every day I seem to have a different song stuck in my head while i'm baking. Today it is Tik Tok-ballad version...and if you want to hear me sing it while Crystal, Soph, and Tina are watching; well then just mosey on over to my youtube channel and watch it. Crystal left today and I am very very sad about that. My best friend, my buf-fuff-fuff, 1/3 of the amigo clan, jobin, bro montana, mumush, my slave master, and of course, the keeper of the stories. It's a sad day in St. Helena. Buuuttt I'll see her at my wedding.

I was frustrated with my cake today. It was a chiffon cake filled with orange white chocolate mousse and decorated with white "chocolate" shavings (and I say white "chocolate" because there isn't actually any chocolate in white chocolate. In fact, the only reason it is called chocolate is because it is made from cocoa butter-which is extracted from the cocao bean. So you see, not really chocolate). Anywho, it was a bad day (and hot) and I could not get my cake to the way I wanted. Probably spent too long on it but I had nothing else to bake for the day so I took my time with it. And then tried to make a rose out of chocolate...inspired by Chef Durfee. FYI, it doesn't work. But at the end of the day during evaluation Chef brown make a comment on how my cake was very clean :) which is good. Forgot to take a picture though. Oh well.

I tried to talk to you today and was greeted by your sarcasm. I'll probably try again some other time but for now I feel done. I don't really want to hear about your opinions and what you think of it via facebook status'. You can just tell me...

But anywho...no homework tonight and no bro monatana to chill with. :(
oh yea, about that youtube video...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Dofk2rPQAI

enjoy.

Taps.

Grandpoo today was your funeral, and although I can remember everything that happened perfectly, one thing sticks out in my mind the most. And that is when your friend spoke of you so highly and reminded us that you showed us how to die with dignity, and that we are the only ones who have to suffer now; and it's true.
Your service was beautiful and just how you would have wanted it; I think. As I felt tears hit my cheek, I imagined you watching us and saying, "what the heck are you people crying for?".

I miss you so much. It's the worst feeling in the world; the hardest thing I've ever had to do was say goodbye to you. Everyone reminded me of how you always talked about me. You truly were one of the most wonderful people I have ever had the honor of getting to know. I could always talk to you about anything and somehow you always knew what to say. Today I realized just how many lives you have touched.

I wish you were still here.

Speechless and numb tonight.

Goodnight grandpoo.

I love you, I love you, I love you; forever.

Weird History-Courtesy of Mi Abuelo.

Facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good bygone. However, they were staring to smell, so brides carried a boquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children--last of all babies. By tenth water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw--piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off of the roof--hence the saying, "it's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed as a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying, "dirt poor".

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door, it would start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence, a "threshold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Somstimes they would obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang their bacon to show it off. It was sign of wealth that a man could "bring homethe bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach out onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks in the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell/ Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard" shift) to listen for a bell; thus someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".

And that's the truth. . . (who ever said that History was boring)?

Dear Grandpoo,

You passed away on August 19, 2010; a date I will unfortunately never forget. The world seems different and the idea of a "normal" day seems so unfamiliar to me. I am so thankful that I got to know you and that you were more than just my grandfather, you were my friend. I will miss everything about you; your jokes, your smile, your voice, your huge glasses, the fact that you named your dog Stupid (in spanish so it sounded better), and your stories. I will miss your stories so much. You taught me so much in what seems like such a short amount of time that we had together. I'll always carry your wisdom throughout my life, and make wise choices because I know you'll be watching.

Everything about you was perfect and wonderful and i'm afraid no one will ever come close to the very special place where I hold you in my heart. Nothing has ever hurt as much as this; but I am glad to know that you are no longer in pain. I love you with all of my heart. The letters that we sent to each other will always stay with me, and I plan to keep writing to you because I know how happy it makes you. I guess I'll just have to send the letters up with a balloon. At least the "I ran out of stamps" excuse that you laughed at everytime will never be an issue again.

I miss you. It hasn't really sunk in yet and, pathetically, I expect a response to my letters.

The thought of your singing is the only thing that lulls me to sleep everynight. You have such a soothing voice. The song you wrote for you father was one of my favorites. I imagine you singing it to him now. I will see you again. Until then, just stay with me in my dreams, and in everything I do. I'll make you proud; promise.

I love you so much.

Twit.

So I’m sitting here, night before my final; can't sleep. Guess what came on TV??! Parental Control-gay edition. Man oh man I love mindless entertainment. I need to lose weight. Anyway I uploaded a new video to my YouTube account. Singing opera cause that's what I do. No, you can't watch it! I only let strangers hear my disgusting voice. Anyway I was searching Regina Spektor because she is AMAZING, I somehow ended up on some blond girl who was singing On The Radio. I don't know why, but all blond girls all look the same to me. And they all make me think of someone that I never want to think about, and it makes me upset. I don't think it's normal to dislike someone SO much for so long. But it did take me two years to get over the first guy who broke my heart...maybe it's just me. You know what else I hate, calling girl the "C" word. You know what I’m talking about. All guys who utter the word should have their man card taken away. Guys also might as well give in their man card if they wear flip flops.

....

anyway. Lots of hostility tonight. Sometimes I wish we could live like goldfish. Did you know that goldfish are also called "twits"? Yep, twits. They also have a memory span of about 3 seconds. It would be nice to only feel a certain way for 3 seconds...
Then again I did have goldfish back in high school who committed suicide. Maemi and Bay. Well, Maemi committed suicide, Bay died of a lonely broken heart; I’m convinced. They used to swim around the bowl, meet in the middle, and kiss. They would just do that all day. Anyway one day Maemi literally jumped out of the bowl. I put her back in and 3 seconds later she jumped out again. I put something over the bowl so she wouldn't be able to while I was at school, and when I came home she was on the floor...dry. It was a sad day. Bay died a few hours after. How I miss them.