forever?

Did you know that doves are extremely loyal to their mates? Unlike most other animals who go from mate to mate, or animals like a praying mantis who eat the males after the have mated...doves stay together. I would like to be a dove. I would like to believe that it is possible for humans to have a forever binding love that lasts forever; a monogamous relationship that stays new and exciting and incredible. Society puts wonderful romanticisms in your head via chessy romance films and novels. However, reality sets a different tone. "It's hard", and that's all you ever hear. People who can make a lasting relationship often long for new exciting things and those who are constantly with new people feel lonely. What gives? We don't know what we want. We want what we can't have. "It's hard". It's hard to commit yourself to trying to please another person before yourself. It's hard to try and figure out how to relate to a different opinion. It's hard, it's hard, it's hard.
But is it worth it?
Yes.

maggie

I love you.

yes, yes I did.

To you:

My hands have an unwanted dampness to them. My stomach, an uneasyness. My heart is going a million miles per hour and my mind racing. This is what you do to me. The way you answer the phone can either make or destroy my day, week, life. Your smile eases any uncertainty in my mind.You have the power to completely break me. At times, you unknowingly do just that. But all you have to do to fix it is hold my hand. Or look in my eyes and tell me you love me. Sometimes I hate how pathetic I have become. I hate how much you affect me sometimes.
I still think about it you know. I mean, never often. The other day I heard something that absolutely disgusted me. I got this picture in my mind and now I can't seem to get it out. It's ridiculous, of course. But it won't go away.
Ive become to think so little of myself, I regret to say. But you know all about that now, don't you? The way I feel about you is so different from anything vie ever felt for anyone. I never wanted to make you feel the way I once felt. Nothing can explain this gross feeling that completely consumes me when I think of the difficult parts of our relationship. The sickness I get from worry. Please don't ever feel that way. Know that you are the only thing that matters to me. Please know that never again will I make you feel that way, or even do anything to make you feel that way. Love me forever because I always will. I promise to try my hardest...

I wish.

Sometimes I pretend that I am happy for so long that I start to believe it myself. I have yet to decide if this is good or bad. Maybe it's both. Then again maybe it doesn't really even matter. People ask how others are all the time, and only process the response 3% of the time. Not to mention, when is the last time you asked an acquaintance how they were and they said anything but the typical, "fine". People wouldn't notice if someone was sad. Even if they did, they would probably brush it off as being "put off", and disregard the person. So what's the point of even pretending to be happy?
I wish I could tell you everything I feel. I wish you somehow just knew. All I can do is hope that these feelings go away and my life will once again return to what I consider as normal. My normal life...
I get so frustrated when people complain for idiotic reasons. Still, I find myself doing it all the time. My grandpa passed away the day of my last practical. I found out one hour before it started. I kept his picture in my pocket closest to my heart. I'm convinced he is very proud of me. Someone started crying today because the next practical is "unfair". It's reasons like these why I seem to send a bitter vibe towards most people.
I don't care for small talk most of the time, but won't commit myself to letting out my true feelings with anyone. Go figure. Instead I pathetically write to myself in a blog, and any unknown readers that consist of one, or perhaps two, if someone has nothing else to do.
Hot chocolate, and then sleep.
Happy birthday, Grandpa.

milk and cookies.

I build forts out of blankets and chairs.
I imagine realities; that aren't really there.
I am not crazy, but happy instead.
my life is so perfect, but all in my head.
my eyelids are shut; my mind on its own
I wake in the morning with an agonized groan.
my feet are blistered and my bad knee still hurts.
I wake to remember everything bad still lurks.
What I hate in the world are the false accusations.
The unkowing, the aching, the promised destinations.
I suppose what I need, is to first decide
what's more important: my dreams or my pride?
I would like to just live in my blankets and forts,
to live in a bubble with no news or reports.
innocently and freely; never with doubt
the absolute cringing pain of heartahe, I can do without.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
but with all this pain, it's not like I'll live longer...

chemo limo.

one thing becomes more and more apparent as I write these blogs:
They don't do a damn thing.

I don't allow myself to feel sad, and everytime I think of you I force myself to think of the last thing that made me laugh just so that a tear won't form.
It's fucking ridiculous how cruel the world is.
I'm mad for whatever reason.
I don't have the courage to call the one person who probably needs it the most...

I miss you and that's all I can ever do or say.
How can I explain it when I don't understand it myself...
I wish I could talk to someone who I felt understood; but I wouldn't even know what to say.

Why would probably be a good question.
I have this splitting headache that goes all the way through my body and seems to stop and ache right in my heart..perhaps the weakest point.
and I've got nothing that will make it go away.

Someone needs to bring you back.
or bring me to you.