there is a light that never goes out.

Here's the thing.

It's finally happening. I can finally say that I am not thinking about you every day anymore. My spare time isn't spent with feeling sorry for myself and holding onto something that I never had in the first place. I feel a weight off of my shoulders and the air seems so clear and crisp; so easy to take in a huge breath. I know nothing has changed for you about the way you feel towards me and even if you said it has, I wouldn't believe you. Funny thing is, I just don't care anymore. I've had this awful feeling of not wanting to trust anyone or let anyone in for the past month and it's finally going away. I'm remembering that not all people are bad. I might just even have, dare I say it...hope. Yea, hope. Hope that the next person I give myself to won't so cruely shut me down and throw me away like i'm nothing. I'm better than that, and I refuse to let you have that kind of invisible hold on me. I know who I am and that is what has been keeping me going. I know that I gave everything I had to you; and you know it too. You can deny it all you want. You can try and say hurtful things about me to other people. You can even try to convince yourslef. It's not important to me anymore. You're everything I thought you never were, and nothing like I thought you could have been. But I guess, what I can finally say is: I forgive you. It's not because you asked to be forgiven. It's not because you expressed remorse. You've given me the cold shoulder throughout this whole entire healing process of mine. And it's that reaction, and that self righteousness of yours that reminds me of what I never wanted. So, I forgive you so that I can completely let you go. I know my heart will never be the same, but I know I will be ok. And so, thank you for teaching me a thing or two about what is important in life, and how to react to terrible happenings. I became stronger, and I am a better person for it.

loversandlife.

Let's run away together.
Only temporarily.
I want to get away.
I want to go on a trip somewhere far away.
I want to stay there for a long time.
I want to feed misunderstood pigeons,
because I actually am quite fond of them.
I want to walk the streets of Venice;
and travel around by boat.
I want to play piano in a cafe.
I want to sing in a lounge.
Bring me flowers.
Let's taste the cultures around the world.
I'm ready for a new beginning.
Ready to start something new.
Sail away with me.
Let's just sail for weeks and see where we end up.
Endless ocean, I give you permission to take me away.
Two lovers;
breathing the same breaths.
I don't want to wait anymore.

unpublished drafts.

Going through life expecting great things is like making cookies and adding a cup of baking powder (b. pow). You're just asking for a disaster to happen. I've come to the conclusion that expectations get you absolutely nowhere except for in a continuous state of limbo. And I'm not talking about the pole that you have to bend over backwards to get under...although that would work for a great analogy for life as well...
Maybe it's just me but I have such a hard time getting out of this place.

I need my knives sharpened; what’s a baker to do? Oh no, I'm not cut out for this stuff. See what I'm doing here? I'm making metaphors to describe my life. Because I can't do it alone. Because I don't know how. Because being independent has never quite worked for me.


Random fact? Mosquitoes are attracted to people who just ate bananas. I ate a banana today. Oh, and also a kiwi. Perhaps they are attracted to people who eat kiwis also. There was a mosquito down by the ocean oddly enough. The little jerk sucked my blood. Can't even say anything awesome resulted from it (such as being turned into a vampire). Well technically that is a lie. I did get a nice little itchy bump on my arm. Reminded me of the time when I was bit by a mosquito the day before picture day in sixth grade. My right eye was so swollen from the bite.


It's so easy to be mad at people and write them out of your life. But eventually, I've learned, you begin to remember why you loved having them in your life. And it's a little cruel, isn't it? Can't stand the nights when I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much. I'm a little jealous of the people who can lie down and fall asleep in five seconds.


I wish I knew what I was doing with my life and I wish I had a solid guarantee on who would be along for the ride. I think that the people in my life sometimes have too much of an impact on me. I wish I knew how to be okay on my own. I miss the one person who has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. Their unavailability is quite unfortunate.
People's moods affect me so much, and it irritates me. Some things just aren't meant to be. I truly feel like coming here was meant to be. And everything that has happened to me since, has just fallen into place. And what else can I say? There's nothing else I can say.

love and cake.

Oh, my heart. It breaks as surely and as inconsistently as the waves break on the shore. We are all under the same moon but sometimes I think I see my moon a little differently than everyone else. Goodbye to my childish tendencies and farewell to my overthinking every single little thing. Why can't I just focus on the things that are actually important instead of choking on the impracticalities. And I hate how people can have such a hold on me. I think I've got everything figured out and then I hiccup and everything is changed. Oh life, don't you know I was never one for roller coasters? Don't you remember I'm still scared of the dark? I spend my days baking cookies and decorating cakes for goodness sake. I am not one for unexpected turns but at the same time I'm spontaneous with things that I should think through. What I really long for is something that should be the least important thing on my mind and yet here I am. It's how it has always been so I shouldn't really be surprised. It's time for a change. Maybe I say that too often but I suppose trying to be what I want is better than ignoring it. Still trying to decide what's more "practical"; being who I want to be or being who I should be.
Random fact? the most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and the fingertips.
So lets all just shutup, hold hands, and go through this bumpy ride together.

everything you do, is super-duper cute.

chaos theory

It's a science.
It tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems:
weather, ocean currents, blood flow; that sort of thing.
But it turns out that there are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart; speeding up, slowing down, a pretty face, flight of stairs.
It's always changing depending on what's happening to us out there.
It's an erratic son of a bitch.
But underneath all of that bumper to bump mess there is in fact a pattern; a truth- and its love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it and we choose to recieve it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal. It's the most important thing in the world.